Saturday Morning in New Diary

It is the weekend. I always get more depressed on the weekend. I don’t know why because Saturday and Sundays are just another day. Anyways I am up. I athankful that I am blessed with another day. LIfe is good

I had some weird dreams. I was dreaming about the Vietnam War. I was dreaming that the communist took over most of South Vietnam. We were in the northern part. We had massive troops build up and then were going to reconquer the country. I was dreaming how the communist were very cruel to the peasants. In my dream they had to break up rocks on their land and they were killed for no reason. ‘

In my other dream I was dreaming about rats. There was this big chunk of cheese. They were cutting it up and eating it Some were carrying pieces of cheese into these holes in the wall. They were moving pretty fast filling up these holes with cheese

My worker didn’t come yesterday. I thought she wouldn’t make it to work. She was pretty sick Thursday. They called me around 9 to tell me. They wanted to know if I needed a fill in. I said that was all right,.

As usual I did a lot of reading. I am about halfway through that book on the history of Christianity. I was reading about Martin Luther Very interesting stuff. As I was reading I got to thinking. I was thinking I should have been a monk. I think that kind of life would be v ery appealing to me.

I wasn’t too depressed yesterday. I just felt very tired. I didn’t feel like cooking or dirtying up my kitchen. I ordered subs from Fox’s. I guess I’m going to have another big credit card bill. OH well what can I say? I am a lost cause.

I got to thinking last night before going to bed. I was wondering how much longer I can go on like I’ve been living. I am not taking care of myself. I am isolating myself from the world. I know this is not good. But I have no motivation to change. Ever since the breakup I have been going down hill pretty fast. I was wondering something is going to happen like ending up in a nursing home or some kind of group home.

Besides dying ending up in a nursing home is one of my biggest fears. I always thought if I had to go I want to die in my apartment. I kept thinking about being stuck lone In a nursing home being constantly sick and alone. Then nobody would come and visit me. It would be like a death sentence. NO if I have to go let me die in my apartment sudden like and not after some long and lingering illness,.

I was dwelling on these thoughts. I was thinking about them before falling asleep. No wonder I had some weird dreams.

Well back to my book.