Thursday morning in New Diary

It is 5am I went to bed early I had some weird dreams. I was dreaming that I and my daughter were up in this one town in Ohio. We had to take the bus home. We were at the bus station an got our tickets and paid for a trip to Weirton. However the bus only crossed the river and let us off. We were on some street corner,. We couldn’t make connections to Weirton because there were no busses. We were stranded.

I have had similar dreams like this before. I used to have dreams about getting back to Follansbee, the town I grew up in. I couldn’t do it because the roads were torn up. I kept trying to go back but the roads were blocked closed or non existent. I was really frustrated because I wanted to see my parents who were dying Dreams are weird.

I had a so so day yesterday. My worker came. She had a good talking to me. She said if you take a shower you will feel better. Also she said if you had new clothes you will feel better. I said I shop online. I was looking at this one web site King Size direct at a pair of pants, They were very expensive somewhere around $50 She offered to take me over to Steubenville at the mall and look around at JC Penny. I might take her up ion it because I need t new clothes.

I like this worker Kelly. She is very nice to me. Yesterday she bought me a Ron Biscuit. She also went to Krogers and bought a gallon of orange juice. I can count the number of people who have actually bought me something and cared about me with one hand. She is one of those people. I was thinking I will have to get her a nice Christmas present or something if she is still around.

I did take a shower while she was out. I felt somewhat better. After she left I played some chess games against the computer. I didn’t win. I was not concentrating very well. I played this one game I like a History Trivia game I did a little bit better with the questions. Most of them are easy but once in a while you will come up with a tough question.

Around noon I started reading. I finished a chapter on the Crusades. Next chapter is about the churches and cathedrals that were built in the Middle Ages. It was late. I got so engrossed in my book I didn’t fix supper,. I just didn’t feel like eating anything. I thought about ordering subs but didn’t want to use the credit card.

Damn me I did buy another book yesterday. I bought another book called Revolutionary Summer by Joseph J Ellis. I keep telling myself I need more books like I need a whole in the head. I get to browsing on my Nook. I see a book by one of my favorite authors. Right away I say to myself I got to have it. I got to have it . Buying books on the Nook is so damned easy. They make it too easy. No matter how hard up I am I always find more money for books.

I was on FB yesterday. I saw where m y daughter posted a picture of her mother. She looked good The last time I heard my ex was teaching at some community college. I thought about the times we were married. I thought about the times I supported her finally when she was going to school. Think I even paid tuition if I remembker correctly. We were getting along pretty good then. After she graduated things started to go bad. Thought about how things turn out. I was getting kind of bitter so I got off Facebook. Sometimes FB makes me so depressed.

Oh well life is good. I’m not married to her now and that is a blessing. Life is really good

It is almost 9am. I’m not doing so good I’ve been thinking about that damned photo of my ex wife. It brought back a lot of bad memories. I started beating myself up. I feel like a failure in life. I failed in everything. I failed as a husband and a father. I failed Chocolatechip. I was thinking to myself I must be a miserable piece of shit and I am really no good to anyone. I was thinking all of these thoughts and I got depressed big time.

I was checking my credit card balance,. Right now I owe $173.63 I was thinking of buying more tv dinners. just enough to get me through the month,. I have food but that requires some degree of cooking and cleaning. For some reason I just do not feel up to that. Been debating on having Kelly take me to Wal Mart so I can buy some groceries. I really don’t want to put more charges on my card but groceries might be s good investment especially if they are tv dinners,.

On the other hand I don’t feel up to leaving my apartment,. Thought of being around people causes a high anxiety. I could go to Wal Mart do my business and come home. But thinking about it is driving me crazy. Don’t think just do it I say to myself. Charge it and put more money on that card. Rack up another big credit card bill and be broke next month. Don’t worry about it. Just do it and be done with it

Last updated July 13, 2017