Wednesday morning in New Diary

Well I am up . I didn’t do a lot yesterday. I didn’t even bother to dress or shower. I didn’t leave my apartment. What I did do was read. I read all day. I am still reading The Faith: A History of Christianity I got lost in the wonderful world of books. I didn’t think about anything else. Books have always been my drug of choice.

I did take breaks from my reading. On one break I went to the Barnes and Noble web site. I browsed history books. I love to browse and look at books. I spent about an hour doing this,. I found one of my favorite authors and bought it. I’ve been wanting to read this one book and it was on sale for $3.99

I am probably still very depressed. I don’t want to take care of myself. I am isolating. I know this is not good for me. But I am afraid of leaving my apartment. I don’t like being around people especially when I’m depressed. I also feel very tired despite sleeping good. I know there are things I can do to help myself. I just don’t want to do them. What I want is to escape from everything I want to say the hell with it all.

I am hurting real bad. This break up is very hard and I do not think I will ever get over it. She was my best friend my only friend. I remember my case manager was saying to me that it is not good to have one friend. When that goes sour you have nobody left. She was encouraging me to get out and try to be friendly She even mentioned this day treatment program I’ve been to that program many years ago and I don’t want to go back. Think I would die if I had to go back to that program.

I have problems with making friends. I am convinced that people hate me because I used to be a crossdresser. I get dirty looks from people on the rare occasions I do go out. I try to be friendly to people I say hi how you doing. I either do not hear them or they do not return my greetings. How can you make friends when nobody even bothers to speak to you when you speak to them. It takes two people to start a friendship.

I don’t know. A lot of times I think I am seriously screwed up. I have something seriously wrong with me Oh well I’ve been screwed up all my life. Helll with it.

But I always remember things are not that bad. 1 I have a nice apartment. 2 I have food to eat. 3 I have money for meds. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I have phone, Internet and cable tv. 6 I have plenty of books to read. 7 I have a worker that comes in and cleans my apartment. 8 I am in fairly good health. 9 I have a good support system in Healthways. 10 I have an SSI and Social Security check.

Even though I may be a screw up life is pretty good. I’m very lucky and grateful for all that I have.