Psychobabble in My Fucking Feelings

I have found a new direction, new interests, made new goals. This is good right? But a question still plagues me: Is this about me or is it about you?

It is okay for you to have influenced my life and it is ok for me to be inspired by my past mistakes to help people. But it should be about me. It should be about what I want to do.

Is this where God is leading? Or am I following the path set by a fool?

I must think hard. I must not let my goals in life be shaped around a silly human. I am still traumatised. It runs deep. I can see it. My friends can too. They are concerned. I so appreciate the ones who are brave enough to point it out and mention the concern.

But at the same time…

What can I possibly do about it? I don’t know how to fix this. I have always been pretty good about fixing myself. Perhaps it will take time. I keep thinking I will get better after I’ve been able to talk to you. But if there’s one thing I know its better than to rely on you.

I must do this on my own. Yet pushing you out of my life now seems a mistake. I’m not sure why. It’s not as if I talk to you. Is it the comforting voice playing with my scars? Or maybe it’s the other people around you that I feel need me somehow. Perhaps it is guilt, wanting to make ammends.

I see myself noticing you everywhere, in everything. This is not healthy. But is it all part of the healing process? I don’t know where to begin to tackle this one. I cannot bring myself to leave behind your occasional comforting presence. Surely I should not be comforted by you. You are cruel, selfish, prideful. Why do I still find comfort in your eyes? Perhaps because you are still alive.

Or maybe its some ass backwards version of stockholm syndrome.

I need focus.

Why do I seek out people like you? When I full well know the damage they can do! Shouldn’t I run like everyone else? Shouldn’t I protect a mind already ensconed by illnesses? But I cannot. I am drawn in.

Perhaps it is a desire to feel free to allow someone else to take control of my life for once. I fight so hard just to keep the pieces together but others make it look so easy. Is this some fucked up Cinderella syndrome? No. I cannot allow it. As much as I desire to find a partner worthy of submitting to, I desire my independance more. I cannot trust that I will find one worthy of helping me shape myself forever. One I can trust to lean on. I can see all the flaws. How could you handle mine if you cannot handle your own? How could I handle yours when my own life is already a fight?

I am not ready for a partner. I should distance myself from silly games. I must heal. I must progress. I must achieve. I must learn the art of loving people again amd being at peace. I look to Jesus, my savior, the one who would never let me down. I am sometimes afraid still. Just not of illness or monsters.

I am afraid of my own mistakes.
I am afraid of my own hate.
I am afraid of failing again and again.

But I cannot be idle.
I must try.
I must fight.
I must build a future for my family.
But it is so far such a lonely life.

I want a partner to help me through.
But I am not yet worthy of the partner I seek.
I must fix me. Mold me. Make me. I must be patient and never give up.
In the end I will be worth every second of effort.
I will find my perfect partner.
I could care less if it is you or not.

But yet thoughts of you linger.
And I hurt my brain trying to figure out why I let them.
They are painful thoughts, yet comforting.
Perhaps I am only scared to forget you again.
It’s not the loss of you but the loss of the memory, of the lessons learned, the passions discovered.
Nobody understands why you are so important to me.
It is not you.
Not superiority.

You are a human.

It is the changes that I have seen in me.
Because of the bad times.
Bad times, good changes, and yet the tears come down.
Regrets I wear like a crown.

They say April showers bring May flowers.
I am not afraid of the tears anymore,
Nor the hurt.
Not of the games.
I am only afraid of letting down the one who matters:

My God, My Jesus, Spirit guide me. Heal me. Mold me. Make me exactly as I should be. Show me all the things there are to love about me.