Sunday morning 2 am in New Diary

Went to bed way early last night I just woke up. I pulled myself out of the depressive mood I was in yesterday. I watched a lot of tv in the afternoon. I was watching a few history shows on AHC. Then I turned on the oldies channel and listened to some music. They play songs from 5 the 50’s and 60’s which is my favorite era. I also did a good bit of reading. I am really enjoying my latest book. Saturday ended on a good note.

I feel pretty good this morning. I swear I’m not going to try and dwell on things. Thinking about her makes me depressed. What is the point in dwelling on some shit I have no control over. It only makes the depression worse. Think I decided on something. I need to concentrate on my life and do things that make me happy. There is absolutely no point in dwelling on this shit. It is over. I didn’t want to end a ten year relationship. She ended it. It is time to start beating myself up over it and move on to the next chapter,

I’m not so sure what the next chapter in my life will bring. I’ll probably be alone. That is ok too. I can handle being alone. I’ve always said I would rather be alone than be involved with people who; only make fun of you take advantage of you and abuse you. I would rather be alone than to be in a bad relationship with people. I guess I am a loner. I have not had much success with making friend or having people in my life.

Books and music have always been my friends. I love to read. I get lost in a good book or some good music and it takes me to a whole different world. I forget about my problems. I forget about everything. When I am reading I am not dwelling on crap that only makes me depressed. Reading and music are my therapy. I always feel better after a long session with my Nook or listening to music. They never let me down

I am still kind of depressed though. It isn’t as bad with no thoughts of suicide or harming myself. I just feel so sad and tired all the time. I have not been taking care of myself very good. I have not showered I’m not eating right I’ve been living on peanut butter sandwiches,. I just don’t seem to have any energy for fixing meals or dirtying up my kitchen only to have to clean it up,. Even thinking about doing this things wears me out.

Wish to hell I wasn’t so damned sad and gloomy. Wish to hell I could do things like I used to do. I was thinking about the times I used to walk to the library every day in all kinds of weather. I miss that place. I was thinking about trying to go for a walk tomorrow but I am so afraid my knee would give out. I used to be pretty self sufficient. I used to be able to walk all over town. Now I can’t do that anymore. I think thinking about how I am getting older and can’t do the things I used to do gets me down.

I try not to think about these things. Again what is the point? I guess the answer is to make the most out of each day and do the best you can. Above all try not to worry or dwell on things just live your life and be glad you are alive. That is what I’m going to do.

After all life is pretty good. 1 I have a nice apartment. 2 I have money for meds. 3 I have food to eat. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I am in fairly good health. 6 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 7 I have plenty of books to read. 8. I have a worker who comers in and cleans my apartment. 9 I have good support system in Healthways. 10 I have an SSI and Social Security check

Life is good. It is good to be alive.

Once again thank you to all the people who; left me nice notes. I will never forget that.

I was going over my credit card expenditures. I already owe $118.13 I was at Wal Mart on the 3rd. I spent $51.27 for groceries,. Then the day before that I spent $18.56 on Fox’s. I made two payments one $20 and one $10. This brought my balance down to $39,83 I had two trips to Tudors for $12.16 each. Then I bought two books from Barnes and Noble for $12.99 and $11.99 I went to the bank and got a cash advance for $20. This cost me $10. I swear I will never do that again. Got some good news though They increase my credit limit to $750 I have been paying my bill off in f ull every month. It is nice to know I have good credit.

I got to stop using the damned credit card though. I was only going to use it for meds and emergencies this month. I wanted to start off August with a full check except for rent and Comcast. Damn me Damn me to hell and back

Last updated July 09, 2017