Saturday Morning Part 2 in New Diary

I was thinking about my last entry. I said I was not going to dwell on Chocolatechip. I said that I was not sure I would take her back. Since that entry I have done nothing but think about her. Thought about all the good times we had. I was really happy with her and I thought we had a good relationship. I thought about all the places we went. I thought about the time we took a bus trip to the Pittsburgh zoo. I thought about the time we went to the Plaza Theater and saw a movie she hated. I thought about all the good times we had at Overbrook Towers. I thought about everything we shared the good and the bad.

Now it is over finished for good. I thought about in my last entry where I said in effect I can’t let myself go down the tubes. I can’t let myself get to the point where I am hospitalized. That is not working out very good. I am very, very depressed. At this point I don’t know if I want to go on. Perhaps I don’t want to go on anymore I really do not see the point of going on and being alone.

I say to myself I can take it. I say to myself I really don’t need anyone. I can take being alone. This is a tough façade. I am really very miserable and lost. I feel very lost without her in my life. Every goddamned time we break up it feels as if my heart has been ripped out. I feel that way now and I feel that I could never care about anyone else ever again. I am doomed to be alone and miserable. and this makes me feel like a complete piece of shit a complete loser.

I am kind of scared. I have had bad bouts of depression before. They always scare the shit out of me. When Weirton Medical Center had a psych floor I always put myself in when I got to this point. Weirton hasn’t had a psych floor in years. From what I’ve been told they were shipping people to Wheeling or down state. I refuse to go to Wheeling or the state mental hospital. I’ve always heard things were really bad down there. Besides I don’t have a ride home and I’m afraid of being stuck in some God forsaken place. Case manager was saying Trinity West has a psych war. it is over in Steubenville . That might be an option. But I don’t think I’m ready to go.

I tell myself I am not suicidal. I have had thoughts. But I will never act on them. I have a great fear of death and this alone will keep me alive. Thoughts I have been experiencing were something like what is the point of going on. What is the use and my life is over. I do not have a plan. i am not thinking of ways to do myself in I am not dwelling on harming myself. These thoughts come and go. I will never let myself get to that point.

What I am experiencing is an overwhelming sense of sadness, an overwhelming sense of loss. I am depressed big time. I can’t seem to shake it. I lost pleasure in a lot of things. I love to read but I lost pleasure in that. I am having a great deal of trouble in concentrating. I cant get into my book. I’m not eating right I don’t feel like fixing anything even a tv dinner. All I do is sit in front of the computer and stare at the computer screen. I haven’t showered today. i haven’t even dressed. I get tired very easily and when I’m tired of sitting at the compuer I lie on my couch. I spend a lots of time on my couch

That is about it for now I’ll probably be back with more tales of woe and dispaire