Saturday Morning in New Diary

The weekend is here. I’m not going to dwell too much on Chocolatechip I’m not going to think about things too much. I have a lot of things to keep me occupied. I started reading a new book The Faith: A History of Christianity by Brian Moynaham I can listen to music on You Tube. I have cable tv surely I can find good movie to watch . I can get lost in books, music and a couple of good movies. Being alone is not so bad I’m used to it.

I was thinking about my conversation with my worker Kelly. She was telling me that Chocolatechip is a social butterfly. I am pretty much a loner,. I was thinking yesterday that put a big strain on our relationship. We were two different people with different goals. She always wanted to make friends. I was happy enough to have her in my life. Having a lot of people in my life was never a priority. I am content to have one or two good friends people I can respect and trust. Perhaps our differences in this area were too much to overcome.

Oh well it is over. We have been together for over ten years. We have had break ups before. I can’t count the number of times we broken up. Each break up hurt caused a lot of heartache and pain,. One time I ended up in a psych ward. Each time I took her back. I didn’t care I was so happy to have her back in my life.

I was thinking perhaps this time I might not take her back. These last two breakups were very painful. In the last one I almost ended up in the hospital. They were going to ship me downstate. That scared the shit out of me and I refused to go. This one hurt me a great deal. I had suicidal thoughts over it and once again thought of going to the hospital. Then the other day I was thinking the hell with it. This shit is not worth it.

I am tired of going through these breakups. I am tired of getting hurt going through a deep depression,. I was thinking yesterday nobody is worth going through this shit. I was thinking I got to look out for myself. I was thinking I got to quit dwelling on this shit or I will end up in some god forsaken mental hospital. Nobody is worth that shit and going down the tubes will not bring her back.

Hell with this shit I was thinking. Is going through this shit really worth all the pain I don’t think so. I’m better off being alone with my books, music and cable tv. I will survive