Limbo...Rememberance...Dwelling and My DISGUSTING "brother" (not for the faint-hearted) in Life as I know it...

Living life in the current state of "limbo" I am in sucks. Some days aren't bad, I do my training, play with the dogs, maybe take them for a long walk, watch some wrestling, play a game, test and try to create new recipes or items or just general faffing about in the kitchen, but today is one of those days where I want to rip my hair out because of the frustration.

As I've written in previous entries, I recently got offered an awesome new position as a Pastry Chef at a new Bistro/Pattiserie, and escaped from the torturous experience that was my previous job as a Junior Pastry Chef in a very busy 5 star boutique hotel. The new place was supposed to open next week Monday, but unfortunately the building contractor made a promise he couldn't keep (what's new?) and we have to push back the opening a week. I have been doing all kinds of recipe testing and tweaking for the last 2 weeks in order to come up with new and unique items for the new place and I just want to start working already! I know there is probably going to be a time somewhere down the line, when I am very exhausted and overworked, that I wish I could just chill at home, but I am going to try to remember this entry when that time comes to be grateful and happy that I have a "purpose".

I am missing Caroline today, but is a big part of the reason that I miss her that I don't have anything to distract me? My thoughts start to wander all over the place when I have nothing to do. Within a second they could go from painful memories of my childhood, to a particularly bad break up I had about a year and a half ago, to worrying about being able to impress and perform at my new job. I can get myself all worked up in an instant without even trying. I'm thinking about if she has hooked up with anybody yet (I don't think she has, she's not like that) or whether she is more into girls now (she's bisexual, something that I was perfectly okay with, but always felt that I will never be able to give her 100% what she wants, because... I don't have a vagina and apparently tucking your dick in between your legs just isn't the same (lol)) or just simply how/what she's doing and if she still thinks about me. It feels like it's been months, but it's only been 3 weeks. The relationship seems a lifetime away and in a way it sort of is, with all the positive changes I've made.

I have been having crazy dreams, mostly surrounding my brother and my mother, both of whom I have no contact with, out of choice. My brother is a crystal meth addict, he has been in and out of rehab for the last 6 years and just kept getting worse every time he relapsed again. This last time was the worst. I had already cut contact with him and hadn't spoken to or seen him for about 2 or 3 years. I heard my dad shouting and arguing over the phone for a week or two and he would frequently leave the house and be back a couple of hours later afterwards. I figured he had relapsed again as this scene was commonplace, but I didn't know how crazy things had gotten this time. Eventually I confronted my dad and asked him what's up, he told me that my brother is using again and is having some "problems". These problems included having about 7 or 8 facebook accounts and email addresses of people he had made up. He also changed his name on his facebook page and had all kinds of disgusting posts of sex, mutilation, satanism and just plain fucked up shit. He had successfully started a cult, something like "Youth and Prosperity" I think and he called himself "The Singer of Songs". He actually had people following him believing that he was the new Messiah or some shit. Insane. He was completely schizophrenic, hallucinating, talking absolute nonsensical garbage, hearing voices, prostituting himself for meth and sold almost all his belongings. This has happened before, but not to this degree.

Luckily we still had a Sectioning order from the last time he relapsed, so my dad put the Sectioning order in, the police broke down the door to his apartment (where they found a young girl who had decided to come stay with him and follow him all the way from Joburg, which is about a 3 hour flight from Cape Town), cuffed him and took him to the hospital where he had to be kept for 72 hours for observation before his case could be processed. The next thing we hear is that he just escaped. He just walked out. Thank you South African Government, you guys rock. He said someone stole his phone and just walked out the door. The detective informed my dad about an hour later that they found him at his apartment, but he is refusing to open up and they need a family member's permission to forcefully remove him. My dad got in his car and sped all the way to his apartment only to find that there was nobody there. The security guard said the police had left already and shortly thereafter my brother got in a taxi. Thank you South African Police Department, you rock! So my brother arrives here, at our house and rings the doorbell. Him and I have a shouting match and I was cursing at him while he was denying everything that had happened. One of the neighbours must have called the police, because they showed up shortly after and started talking to him. THEY WERE ACTUALLY STARTING TO BELIEVE HIM!! The one cop even told me that if I said one more word he's going to arrest me. My brother loved this and he kept taunting me and telling me to come outside.

Meanwhile, my stepmom was phoning my dad, begging him to come back. I got the police officers to wait until he finally came. My brother verbally unleashed on my dad, but my dad just kept his cool and didn't let it affect him. He tried to phone the detective, but he wasn't answering his phone. A second police car came and luckily one of the officers actually believed my dad instead of my brother (he is the world's best manipulator and liar though) and she just told everybody to come with her and go back to the hospital. Finally my dad spoke to the detective, who came down to the hospital and unleashed his fury on the incompetent hospital staff and cops. One of the cops was told that thanks to his work, he has to stand guard outside my brother's room until further notice.

A girl my brother was involved with had taken out a protection order against him and it was revealed that he broke this order twice, which meant his ass might be going to jail and I so hoped that he would have to go. My dad sold his car and he was sent to a psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane until he was seen fit to enter a rehabilitation program, and this was no relaxing rehab either, it was army style, for at least a year. My dad had to clean up all my brother's crap again, including cleaning and selling his apartment which yielded some interesting items, as it always does. I don't intend on ever seeing or speaking to my brother again and if I have children one day, he will never get to see them or hear from them or even know that they exist. The reason for not speaking to my mom is related to this, but I'll leave that for a later time.

Phew, that took a while. I feel a bit better now. I think that will be it for now. I'm going to watch some wrestling, I think I'll watch The Undertaker vs Edge from SummerSlam 2008 in the Hell in a Cell while my two little doggies are sleeping at my feet.

Cheers y'all AD