Ugh. Again. in Everyday life

I went on a first date with this lady – we’ll call her S – a day or two before New Year’s. We’re both wicked sarcastic, and immediately I felt a chemistry. We also were both amazingly defensive, giving each other crap all the time. It drove her up the wall, but I fed off it.

A couple weeks after we met, she said it was getting too serious too quickly, so we backed off. I have to admit, I kind of was like, whatever, after that and didn’t take things as seriously. We were still having sex regularly, though, and I enjoyed spending time with her.

Over the months, the tension from the back-and-forth, sometimes-playful sometimes-not bickering dissipated. We really got to know each other and I let my guard down. I was enjoying myself. There was one night in early May where we met up after my bocce league and got ice cream and walked along the nearby river. I was really happy with that night.

Less than a week later we had a blowup, then I backed off (that’s what she wanted). Gradually, we started talking regularly again. We’ve gone out a couple times. I’ve kissed her a few times, and I sensed trepidation on her part. I was ok with that, as I knew there was work to be done if a relationship ever were to happen. Again I was enjoying her company. I thought things might be progressing.

We got lunch today and I got the just-friends speech. She says she likes the side of me she sees now – a more vulnerable one – better, but she’s also not interested in me romantically anymore. I wasn’t expecting an instant miracle, but that kind of took me by surprise. I must admit, I’m hurt. She handled it as well as she could have, I think. I can’t rationally be angry with her.

It continues a trend, though: when I let people in, ultimately they decide I’m only friend material. They apparently like the wiseass, sarcastic side to me, but when I’m real they run.

And that’s frustrating. It takes a long time for me to trust someone, to let them totally in. Why bother if the end result will always be filled with fail?

I know the symptom, but I don’t know the cause. And it’s frustrating as hell.

P.S. If one more woman tells me “you’re a great guy, you’ll find someone” or gives the nice-guy speech, I’m gonna punch something really hard. Not the woman, I don’t hit women. But something. Something solid. And I’ll probably break my fist.