Thursday morning in New Diary

I am up. I did a lot of reading yesterday. I finished Camino Island by John Grisham It had a so so ending. The insurance company for Princeton laid a trap for the book seller Bruce Cabot. The hired a female spy to get information from him. The female spy and the book seller got real close. He showed her the stolen manuscripts. She called her agent and they contacted d the FBI . The FBI investigated the bookstore. They did not find the Fitzgerald Manuscripts. Bruce Cabot already moved them to France. He eventually sold them back to Princeton for a hefty fee

The female spy had a happy ending,. She got another job as a teacher for a Midwestern university. She was writing again and about ready to finish her third book. Then Bruce Cabot tracked her down. I thought he was going to do some harm for her. They had a nice talk instead. He invited her back to Camino Island He said he would welcome her back with open arms. That was the end of the story.

I already started another book last night. This one is Gwendy’s Button Box It is by Stephen King and Richard Chizmar. I already read the first chapter. The story takes place in a small fictional town called Castle Rock. Gwendy is a girl about to enter middle school. She is a bit on the chubby side. She was exercising on a some mountains climbing up a steep set of stares called Suicide Stairs. When she gets to the top she meets a man,. He ends up giving her a mysterious box then goes on his way. I think this box is going to be a source of a lot of trouble for her.

After I finished the Grisham novel I started to browse my wish list on my Nook. I seriously thought about buying a book. I kept looking but couldn’t decide which one to buy. I also kept telling myself that I do not need another book. I have four books to read and they are fairly thick and complicated. Besides I do not want to rack up another big bill on my credit card. I made a vow not to buy any books this month and I intend to keep that vow.

Despite doing a lot of reading I think I’ve been very depressed. I have been letting myself go down the tubes. Weekend and the 4th were very hard for me. I stayed in my apartment all weekend and the fourth. I didn’t talk to a single soul. I had no energy felt so very tired I have a sink full of dishes to do but just could bring myself to do them. Been living on ham and cheese sandwiches because I couldn’t bring myself to heat up a tv dinner. This only made me feel more bad about myself. Felt like a complete failure.

I can’t seem to snap out of this latest bout with depression.. There are things I could do to cheer myself up,. I could sit outside for a while and get some sun., But I have been having a great fear of leaving my apartment. I really do not like to run into other tenants. I know they hate me., Nobody ever speaks to me when I say hello. Sometimes I get the dirtiest looks from people. I really have a hard time putting up with that shit. This is one of many reasons why I stay in my apartment so much.

Sometimes I think I need to be in the hospital. I keep telling myself I am not suicidal. I had some thoughts over the weekend. I will never act on them. I was just thinking it would be better off if I just ended it all. now., I would not be missed by anyone. But I would never act on these thoughts,. I have a great fear of death and what my ultimate judgment might be. I am afraid I will end up in hell. This thought alone keeps me going and I want to die a very old man.

No suicide is not the answer, At this point I don’t know what the answer is but I know it is not suicide. I will live my life. I will live it alone but I am determined to live my life. Besides I have it pretty good. I kept reminding myself about the list of positives which are:

1. I have a nice apartment. 2 I have food to eat. 3 I have money for meds. 4 I have clothes to wear, 5 I have a great support system in Healthways. 6 I have a worker that comes in and cleans my apartment. 7 I am in fairly good health. 8 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 9 I have plenty of books to read. 10 I have an SSI and Social Security Check.

LIfe is good, I am pretty lucky to have all that I have. I do not take it for granted.