Adrift in Current Events

Does that existential dread ever leave? I feel like we all harbor it. It’s unique to us all but it’s right there burning a hole in our hearts and making us feel like we never have enough. It’s right there at the back of our minds loading every train of thought that and action. It’s that thing we don’t want to think about. That thing we don’t know how to talk about. We put as many distractions in front of us as possible to hold it down. We fatigue our brains with a million little decisions so we don’t have to focus on it. Do we even know what it is? We just wander around distracted and filling our lives with as much things as possible… I am just rambling on here.
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I think I am losing my life. I don’t think I’ve accomplished what is meaningful to me. I don’t feel like I’m at a job that I care for. I don’t feel like I am connected to my family and my friends. I just realized that I do not have a mission in my life. Nothing to focus on. I am completely distracted by my friends dramas and upsets. Their weddings and everything else I have to celebrate with them for. My job fatigues my mind and exhausts my decision making abilities. I’m stuck in a loop. I’m in a bubble. I’m in my comfort zone. Nothing grows in comfort zones. I was so nervous on the set of the commercial we shot this weekend. I was suppose to have a second shift but everything was wrapped up after I left so they tore down the set. I was so confident about being able to bring it to the second day but I suppose that’s how growth works. I learned that I have a lot of boundaries that I need to explore about myself. I need to face a lot of fears.
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Today I found a little list of things I wanted to work on this year. Basic stuff like better health and finance and fitness but also deeper stuff like work on confidence and stop letting life just happen to you and live. I need to stop letting things distract me and figure out what my mission is so I can start doing things that will advance me in my life.
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I haven’t even been painting. It’s like that passion has been replaced with cooking. The biggest burden of veganism so far is how much I need to cook. The second biggest burden is suddenly having to be a dietitian and a nutritionist and a fitness expert for everybody… actually I stopped painting because I kind of been promising to sell what I have already and in my mind that’s just a lot of pressure. Also makes this feel like business and not pleasure. I have got to push through it because I have a savings plan that I would like to rush.

Last updated July 06, 2017