Elephants in 2017

I’m going to take a (hopefully quick) minute to talk about some of the insanity in my brain. The things I havent acknowledged because they are either preposterous or really too inane to deserve an entry. But things I fear wont move past the back burner until theyre acknowledged.

• elephants
  

Not sure how to make it smaller, or that I care enough to learn. But that photo was an advertisement on my Facebook during my pregnancy. Totally cute with the tiny babe snuggling it, right?
I remember looking at the ad often and seriously debating buying one. I never pulled the trigger. Because I could never decide what color I wanted. Gray or pink. I deliberately hid that ad from my facebook after Ivy died. Now, I feel like a nonsensical part of me would go back and order one. Because....I dont even know.

• I’m part of an online group of mamas. Its a fairly small group and most of us have ‘known’ each other for 6+ years. Theyre my yayas. In fact, we call eachother llamas.
  Anyway....Since Ivy died, there have been pregnancies. One of the women was my pregnant buddy with Ivy. Her baby girl was born this past December. She got pregnant on an IUD (which has since been removed and pregnancy seems to be going ok). Another mama just got a faint positive on a test. Despite having her tubes tied very recently, after being told another pregnancy could be very dangerous for mama health reasons. These miracle babies have come to light only within the past couple weeks!! These are my friends. And I really truly do want to be happy for them. I’m just a lot sad. I want a miracle pregnancy. I think Ivy must be getting her lines crossed or something.