Check Day in New Diary

I survived the weekend. I was kin fo tired of tv dinners. I ordered a sub and bread sticks from Fox’s pizza. I was pretty hungry since I didn’t eat anything all day. I chowed down on that food when it arrived. I really pigged out and made myself sick I felt very bloated after dinner.

Before that I did some reading. I started a new John Grisham novel. I reading Camino Island. It is pretty good. It is not his usual legal thriller. it starts out where this gang of thieves robs valuable first editions of F Scot Fitzgerald from Princeton University library, They specialize in steeling valuable manuscrips works of art and ransom them back to the orginal owners or sell them to private collectors. I think I remember there were five in the gang. The FBI and local police cought two of them . One of the gang members kills off another because he was afraid of him selling everyone out. He feels to Mexico. The other guy who did the computer hacking left for Europe.

There was this private agency working on the case. They wanted to find the manuscripts before they were lost or damage. They think this one guy Bruce Cable has them. Cable owns and independent bookstore and deals in rare books. This agency recruited this woman who was a former college professer and writer to get to Cable be friends with him and try to find if she has the manuscript. I thought it was a very interesting story so far.

I was sitting in front of my compute yesterday. The phone rangf. I said hello and then they hung up. I thought it was Chocolatechip calling me. I called her and this time she answered my call. We talked for a little bit. I asked her how it went downtown the other day. She said fine. I ask her if she wanted me to get cigars for her when I go shopping Monday. She said that was all right. She asked how I was doing. I said I wasn’t doing very good. I did not elaborate. Then we talked about her getting Frontier for phone an Internet. She said somebody told her only Comcast serves this apartment building. I said you are always welcome to come up and use my computer

Then she asked about my credit card situation I said not too good. I said I owe about $290 something . She asked if I ordered from Fox’s. At that point I didn’t I said no. Said I was thinking of getting an order today. She made no other comment. Again I asked if she wanted to come up. She said no. Then I started to get a bad connection. That was the extent of our conversation.

I was glad I talked to her but I felt frustrated. This was when I wanted to pig out. I checked with my credit card company first. I chatted with them online. I asked if I use the credit card twill the charges be due on the 4th? They said it will be due next month. He checked my record and according to my statement I have a balance of $170 that is due this month. I said my online balance shows $290 He said that will be fine when I told him I will pay that amount on Monday

After chatting with them I made the call. I was pretty hungry by then I have been living on one tv dinner a day for about a week I needed a break. I ordered a steak and cheese sub and a cheese breadsticks. I really chowed down on the breadsticks. and I ate half the sub. I saved the rest for later.

I didn’t do much after that. I played chess and read. I did not watch the news. I felt a little anxious about leaving my apartment. That kept me up. I didn’t get to sleep until much later.

Well I got my social security check today. I made it out of the bank . I had a good talk with my case manager. When I got into her car I was telling her about having suicidal thoughts over the wee3kend. I said I wo8uld never act on them She asked if I hd a plan , I said no. I just felt like I couldn’t go on much longer and said I was thinking maybe I don’t want to go on much longer. I said weekends were very bad. I said I spent the entire weekend in my apartment. She said we could talk after we get done I said that would be fine.

We went to the bank first then stopped at Gumby’s I bought three carton of cigars for the month Then we went to Wal Mart. I bought a few groceries. I stopped at the deli and got a pound of ham and Swiss cheese. I bought some other things as well order came to $51 something.

We talked for a little bit. She was saying my therapist had a cancellation. She could get me in to see him at 4. I said I didn’t want to go. I think I am a bit better now. She reminded me of a doctors appointment on the 5th I said I wanted to cancel with that. She wasn’t too crazy about the idea but she called him and cancelled.

We talked about the suicidal thoughts. I wanted to call 911. I remember the last time I was having problems. They were going to ship me someplace down Wheeling. I was afraid to go down three I was afraid I’d be stuck down there with no way back home. She was telling me that a hospital over in Steubenville has a psych ward. I would not have to go downstate or Wheeling. I said that was good to know.

I was told her I called Chocolatechip Sunday. She asked how did that go. We were talking about our phone conversation. Then she was saying that perhaps Chocolatechip just needed some space. She did say that if we do get back together we it might not be a good idea for everything to revolve around her. She said I need friends in my life. She encourage me to try to make friends.

She mentioned about this Day Treatment program She thought that was a good idea. I said I used to go to that a long time ago. She asked me why I quit. I said I was having problems with some of the other people in the program. She asked how long ago was thing and I said twenty years ago. I told her I wasn’;t too keen on going back to day treatment

We had a nice chat . Then she had to leave. I paid my credit card off,. Then I paid Comcast. I am broke but I have my bills paid cigars and food to eat.

I feel better today. It was good getting out Feel better that I have my bills paid. Life is good