80% chance of smiles in New Chapter

It’s Sunday afternoon and we’ll be heading back home soon. I had nothing short of a really great weekend. I got to meet my girlfriend’s family and it was really easy. They were all very warm and inviting and going out of their way to make me feel at home. And it worked! I’ve been working really hard on opening up and letting people in closer than arms length and even with my dwindling hyper vigilance I was able to move around feeling confident and at ease within an hour or two of arriving.

So this is pretty cool, I’ve been discovering what a good relationship feels like and guess what? It’s pretty fucking amazing. It’s also pretty damn close to what I’ve felt is the ideal version and really the point of being with another person. When you complement each other, rather than trying to complete, it’s so much more empowering because it admits the reality of each party. Trying to cram all of your expectations, realistic or not, on to one person can be exhausting and damaging. That’s what I found to be true with my ex-wife. She felt that since we were together, that she could use me as an emotional dumpster whenever she felt like it. She didn’t take how I was feeling or what I was up to into considersation at all. As her significant other, I asked her to give me a heads up or ask how I was doing before she launched into something and she told me it was too much work. What, do I expect her to ask her every time she wants to say anything at all? Because after all, all she is doing is just sharing her feelings, why is that such a big deal? Gawd.

It’s because you can’t use people like the rag you use to wash your face off after you’ve vomited your entire emotional stomachs contents in their laps. It’s because survivors of abuse and trauma with PTSD already have a lot of space reserved for handling day to day events with the burden they carry.

In this space of honesty and communication, there’s so much comfort in having a solid foundation. When you know upfront what and who you’re dealing with, you can set realistic expectations for yourself. Which lowers the level of stress quite a bit because I don’t have to worry about the wheels coming off all the time.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m really happy with how things are shaking out. I’m counting my happiness triggers and doing what I need to to keep my life positive and moving forward. I’m head over heels for my girlfriend too. She’s emotionally aware and mature, intelligent and funny. She’s an amazing woman and I’m very fortunate to count her in my life. It’s love, love, love. :)