Another Bad Day in New Diary

I am afraid depression got the better of me. I felt like hell yesterday I was so tired I didn’t bother to dress or shower. Thoughts of suicide entered my head yesterday afternoon. I thought what is the point of going on. I sat in front of the computer and played endless chess games. I listened to the news and had the tv on a little bit I stayed up a little bit later and went to bed

I thought maybe I should be in the hospital. I seriously thought about calling 911. I said to myself I have bills to pay. I got to hold on and get out tomorrow. I will pay my credit card, rent and cable. I can’t let these things go or I will be in very bad shape. Perhaps I will feel better after getting out and paying my bills. If I still feel the same way about things after Monday then perhaps I will call 911

I am not suicidal It is just every once in a while I get these thoughts in my head. I would be really down and then start thinking I cannot go on like this anymore. I can’t take the pain of depression and nothing is ever going to get better. I would never act on these thoughts. if anything I have a great fear of death I am afraid of what my ultimate judgement will be. I am afraid of going to hell. This fear alone will keep me alive I think I can endure almost anything to stay alive. But I still get those damned thoughts.

This is why I play chess on the computer. It is a form of escape. I have this chess game and it is pretty cool. There are different levels of play. I have it on a low level. I win most of the time but then I get into a losing streak. I get mad at myself because I missed a move and lose an important piece. It is only a game a means to pass the time but I really get upset with myself when I make a stupid move.

I love to play chess. I used to belong to this one website called Chess Corner. I was able to play correspondence chess with different people Then I forgot my user name and password. There is no way where I can get a new password. I kind of miss that site. Played a lot of games with people who were pretty good. I lost most of then but I will never forget how this one guy wrote me a message saying how good a player I was. I felt kind of proud of myself for the compliment.

Then I did something I normally don’t do on Facebook. I belong to this one group on FB for people with anxiety and depression. I posted a message on there the other day about my birthday and breaking up with my friend. I accepted a friend request from this girl who saw my message. We chatted for a while and it was kind of nice. But I’m going to be very careful I don’t want to get involved with anyone online or for that matter in real life.

Then I remembered my last conversation with my case manager. She was taking me home from my therapy appointment. She was telling me I ought to get out of my apartment and try to make friends. She said I need some friends in my life. I am convinced that people in my apartment building hate me because I used to be a crossdresser. This one guy who I call Asshole gave me hell whenever I was outside. To this day I try to speak to people and say hi whenever I do go out. I get snubbed and sometimes I would get nasty looks from people. I used to try to be sociable but when people don’t even acknowledge your greetings it is hard to carry one a conversation. I always said it takes two to start a friendship.

I think I just do not fit in here socially. I do not gossip. I do not like to talk about my problems with stranger. I do not drink or do any kind of illegal drugs,. That stuff goes on around here and I want to part of it. I would rather stay away from that shit and get lost in my books. It is how I learned to survive living in high rises,

Then again I’ve always had trouble mixing with people. I always said to myself I would rather be alone than get involved with people who will only use you abuse you stab or stab you in the back. I have had some bad experiences throughout my life and got some major trust issues. A big part of this has to do with being paranoid I have paranoia. But I have always said one cannot be too careful who you let into your life because the wrong person can screw you up big time.

No. Making friends in her is not an option. It could be depression speaking but I don’t think making friends anyplace else is much of an option. As hard as it is I guess I will have to get used to being alone.

I get