Birthy stuff in 2017

Because I’m silly, I bought pregnancy tests. Two different packs, actually. Blue dye ones, not the expensive FRERs. The first test, taken at night, was negative. The second, faulty. So I bought a 3 pack. Negative midday. Negative morning. Duh. The chances of a pregnancy are one in one thousand. Not gonna happen. The regularity to my cycle post-Ivy has been a tease. A cruel reminder each month. A fluke, as my body likely is starting to return to its phantom periods happening only a few times per year. Thats my normal.

I never really felt like a life with 3 living children was in my cards. I wanted it, but never envisioned it. When we surprisingly fell pregnant with Ivy, we were both kind of terrified. But on the inside of that shell of shock was so much happiness and love. From the beginning of knowing her…she was never a bad thing. A new baby is always a life to cherish.

Anyway…I digress.

I’ve spent today thinking a lot about her. I received email that my ‘Ivy Bear’ is completed and on its way from Arizona. The anticipation is swirling. I’ve also hung our Ivy plant (grown from a sprig on her casket) in the window next to our other viney plant. I’m eager to see how it proliferates there. I’ve also been researching into schooling. Im not sure that the StillBirthday certification is the route that I am going to go. The credibility of the creator is seeming to be questioned. So Im back to the drawing board, but it is seeming like I’ll have to do two separate trainings. First doula training. Then bereavement training. I’m currently watching a DONA virtual class about baby loss certification, so I hope that I will have some more direction/information by its conclusion. (its 90 minutes....what mom has that block of uninterrupted time? lol)