Reserved Rooms in New Chapter

It’s nice to be able to sit and bang out an entry or two. I finally got the wifi adapter for my desktop, which is now up and running! It took me a hot minute to adjust to that. I hadn’t used it since before I left, so my Downloads folder was still full of songs for the wedding CDs, pictures of my ex-wife and I in Portland, Denver, Iceland and everywhere else we had ever fought. I found the first picture we took together, officially as a couple. I can see which smile I have even in that picture. It’s not the one that reaches up to my eyes, the sort of transformative smile that can’t help but brighten the room. It’s when the mask falls away and you can see the strain that life has put me through, and my smile reminds me of the good in my world.

So I’m sitting in the back of the car, having devoured my vegan crunch wraps from Taco Bell and sipping my soy latte from Starbucks. Listening to my Tears for Fears pandora station while D and J discuss both the domestically and silly gifts on a friends registry. I’m laid out with little Yuki, her tiny frame shaking and shuddering with each speed bump. She’s rested her head on my leg, neither of us sure how long it will last. Her little dog frame presses up against my leg, trying to snuggle in closer. I’m very good for offering heat. I’m a furnace and always have been. I’m the one you want in bed until it’s July and then you better make sure the AC is on because girl, I’ll make you wet, make you sweat.

There’s a peace in being at home in your own skin. I’m still pining after that feeling of safety I felt last year. That warm, cozy feeling that spread from the center of my chest and blossomed into a full body heat. While I may still be looking for home, my own body is feeling more and more familiar. I didn’t realize how much of a disconnect there was until I started participating in the “gym” sessions both in the in and outpatient therapy programs. I found that the connection between mind and body is much more entwined than even I thought. As I’ve learned to control and practice deep breathing, I notice where and when I’m holding my breath. I can feel where my body holds tight onto past traumas, my muscles taut and coarse with the harsh realities of my experience. I have the body and mind of a survivor. I’ve been hard wired to handle whatever comes my way. It feels almost effortless now. My perspective and outlook have changed so drastically and for the bettter in the past few weeks. I never thought I would see 30 years of age, assuming I would have been successful in at least one of my suicide attempts. But here I am, looking forward to the big 30! And I never thought I’d be here, so this silence is different than what I’m used to.

And that’s my current target, figuring out what to do with all the mental and physical energy that comes back from putting down those toxic relationships. I no longer hear the constant stream of negativity that tore me down and kept me on deaths door as a residence of convenience. I don’t hear the gnashing of teeth as more miserable versions of me cry out for what’s passed as normal for the past 25 years. Because there’s a comfort and laziness that comes with being unhappy or miserable. You become blind to the fact that everything doesn’t suck, it just seems that way.