Im Not an Addict in 2017

I tend to start entries (through my internal dialogue) several times a day. And then once Im at the computer I feel like I’ve nothing to contribute. Or the things I feel like saying are all over the place, severely lacking coherency.

Last night I went to a Nar-Anon meeting. It was small, and I honestly didnt feel like I connected too much with anyone. The lady who ran it has a son battling heroin for years now. A girl (23) who’s long time boyfriend has been using opiates, and a couple with a near grown son using. I feel like our story is just....different. Im not naive enough to think that Matt will never struggle or relapse. But now, in the current time, he is motivated and going to meetings and working the program. The Nar-anon just didnt seem to fit quite right. Im sure I’ll give it another chance or two, in fairness. I dont really have a “feeling of desperation” about my husband’s addiction. I donno. I feel like it made me sad more than it helped. Im feeling like the general inner-workings I’ve been doing since Ivy died are helping me to process through this. I struggle now with feeling like I don’t have enough time for things I want to do (doula training). Im frustrated that my husband and I need to fill our days away from our children at meetings or therapy appointments. But the truth is that won’t change anytime soon. So I should probably relax and hakuna my tatas or something.

He wants to go to a NA family picnic on the 4th of July. And Im irritated because I’d rather not spend a holiday with my small children at a gathering for addicts and their families. I mean, just typing that out I sound like a big jerk. But really. My kids are too little. I really dont want them enmeshed in this all. Not now. But I need to compromise, or something. So I said we could go by for an hour or two but not make that the main focus of our day.

Blargh.