Stranger Strings in New Chapter

Life is a funny thing. I’ve spent a lot of time living in ways that didn’t feel right to me. But when you’re a chameleon by nature and nurture, it doesn’t matter that much. It’s more vital to make sure that your colors bleed true than what feels right. Survival doesn’t leave chinks in the armor. Every time you let your guard down even for a moment, life is waiting right around the corner, ready to drop you with a knife stab to the stomach. Not enough to kill you, but enough to keep you wary and wondering where the next attack is going to come from. So you sigh, and take a minute to check your armor. Everything is in place, because it always is. That mantle of hyper vigilance takes a heavy toll, fistfuls and bits of soul dropped in every toll. A neon Thank You is the only recognition, the only way to tell how far you’ve come. The more you give away, the less there is to have to cover. But the weight of the armor still drags your raw, checkered frame closer to the earth, there’s just more weight on what’s left of you.

I got to set one of my mantles down and walk away from it yesterday. The divorce was finalized at 9 am Thursday morning. I had wanted to text my soon-to-be ex on Monday, when the full weight of my decision came crushing down on me. I knew it was going to happen, but it didn’t stop the freight train fraught with feelz from hitting me head on. I got a wonderful gift when I did finally break down and text her. Her response was the same it had been months ago. She still doesn’t understand why I had to do what I did by leaving her and that relationshit far behind me. She’s still not at a place where she can accept responsibility for what she did to me. And it’s not that I expected her to suddenly understand the things I’ve been explaining to her for forever now. Her and I had always been on different pages, that was a major part of our issue. She was roughly two years behind me on working as a team, the idea that we had to work together to solve our shared trials and tribulations. And she never got there. And she still isn’t. Which cemented in my mind the fact that I absolutely did the right thing. I’m in a much better place now than I’ve been in maybe ever. And I couldn’t be here while I was with her. I’m grateful I did what I did when I did and why I did.

I got even more good news today. Earlier in the week I was a little distraught because my former therapist wasn’t going to be able to honor the special out of pocket pricing that I had before, which was 92.50. So the sessions would have been 185 bucks and that’s just not doable. So I choked down my feelings and told them I’d have to figure something else out. I got a call this morning that they were able to strike a deal with my insurance company that would allow me to pay the in-network co pay of just 30 dollars. Which means I get to see my favorite therapist and do work on the shit that’s been eating away at me my whole life, not just whatever the latest shit my ex had pulled on me.

This weekend I’m meeting the girlfriends family! It’s me, her and her husband on our way across the lamest places on Earth. Lol. She got to meet my aunt, uncle and cousin last weekend, so now it’s reciprocation time. I’m mostly excited. Maybe a little nervous. Being vegan on the road can be hard to do. And I’m the first poly boyfriend they’ve gotten to meet, so who knows where their expectations lay. Either way, it’ll be nice to get out of IL for the weekend, get away from all this concentrated chaos for a bit.

Low and slow, steady as I go. :)