Dec. 31 in The Wonderland Years: 2006: transferred over from FOD

‘Last night was not good. I was suicidal and tried to cut but apparently I can’t even do that right. Grrrr...............I was all freaked out.

And early this morning I got sick from my stupid period. God it was awful. So now I have to be even more careful about what I eat; I don’t know where our poppyseed crackers are and we don’t have any 7Up.

In other news my sister has a tan. I don’t like it.

What a way to end the year and begin the day.’

‘Well, anyway; I woke up this morning at 7;27. I was freezing. My first thought was ‘o shit i have my period’. I felt terrible. And, as luck would have it, I did. I was sick in the bathroom for a few hours and slept. I haven’t had cramps like that in a loong time. I absolutely hate period sickness.........so I slept untill about 11/12 and then went on with my day. I’ve been feeling sick all day, so I haven’t been eating much. It’s just like being anorexic all over again. Throughout the day I warmed up a bit but now, at 7;14 p.m.; I’m fukin freezing. It’s been almost a full 12 hours.

This morning I was thinking of texting Kate and having her bring me some drugs, as in Advil, Ibuprofen, etc. I didn’t, though. I was also wondering if I’d be sick tomorrow morning and wouldn’t be able to go to FL/Disney, which I would hate.

I knew The Parents knew I was in the bathroom for awhile but I didn’t care. And it wasn’t as though I was cutting, bc I wasn’t.

God what a terrible morning.

So that’s Part 1.’

‘UnCeNsOrEd*

Part 2 is last night. Yet more stupid fukin drama. I was suicidal. And freaking out and such. I refuse absolutely refuse to believe stress can make you sick. That’s absurd that’s ridiciclous. That’s just my opinion but it never has me.

But anyway, on/back to my being suicidal. I was all freakin out n whatnot...........I texted Kara but she didn’t help any. Grrr. I talk like a bloody poet prolly bc I am a poet and it’s difficult for people to understand me sometimes..........I don’t even know why I texted her, of all people, but I guess it was just one of those heat of the moment things. See what I should’ve done was callled Ali. But then again. Or......... Lindsey. But I thought that people would’ve been able to understand me easier through texting. But apparently I was wrong. Lindsey was the only one. This was before I cut. Took my dad’s huge-ass pocket knife and ...........well tried but didn’t work. Apparently I failed even that.

Grrr. I want a smaller one but where the hell do I get one? Ha I could just say I’m buying it for my dad who collects them. Which he does, actually. But hell I shouldn’t have to lie to the store clerks that’s ridiclous!

Sigh.’

‘It’s called anchorism, according to me. It means that..........well, basically..............

‘I need an anchor. A permanent one, one that I can hold onto, peramanently. When everything else is..........I don’t even know. Not solid, I guess. But what do I have to hold on to? Everything here, as Josiah once told me. But where? I live in FL not many friends there. I guess I don’t actually need that many but...........Idinno it’s still kinna difficult. It’s not fair to use my friends as anchors but that’s what they’re there for.............it’s just...........they, some of them, don’t fit my mold. Never have never will.

I want them to be perfect say all the right things.............how is it possible that one person knows how to do that? [LE..........you know who you are]. Experience, I guess. Someone I can completely relate to and who can relate to me.

Ali used to be that person. But so much has changed so much has happened. I don’t even know if we’ll be as close as we once were........I wish I was 17. In a weird way, yes, bc of all the fukin drama. But no not just that. Heavens no.

Also, so I could have a best friend and we could be as close as we once were. Guess that’s not ever gonna happen.............or maybe it will how do I know? How do I really know anything? How does anyone?

Last updated November 12, 2016