This is my Birthday in New Diary

Today is my birthday. I will be 66 years old. I am officially a Senior Citizen. Getting old sucks. I can’t walk like I used to. I used to walk all over downtown Weirton. I used to walk on the trail I’d walk all the way up to Pennsylvania and back. I was down to a nice weight 178. I would also go to the Community Center They have a nice indoor pool and I would do laps. Then I would work out on the tread mill. Sometimes I would stay there all half the day and then go to the library

Now I am old and fat. I can’t walk like I used to because of bad arthritis. Also I get short of breath easily. Because I isolate myself I developed a great fear of being around people. I have to push myself to take out my trash or check my mail. I do these chores then go right back inside my box. I love my box and I am so happy I have a nice apartment in my old age.

I’m kind of depressed thinking about my birthday. It depresses me thinking that I am getting older and older,. I wonder how much longer I have. I am overweight and I smoke. This is not in my favor,. I wonder because I think about death and what my ultimate fate will be. This is what scares me., I keep thinking when it is my time I will not be going to heaven.

I don’t dwell on these thoughts. I try not to think about them. But they do cross my mind from time to time. Actually I have all kinds of crazy thoughts, When I start dwelling on a particular thought I get in a very bad place pretty quick. This is one reason why I read so much,. When I am reading I get lost in a book an I’m not thinking about stupid things that do me no good. Reading is therapy to me.

Speaking of reading I did a lot of reading yesterday. I finished that one book Dark Tower by Stephen King. I had a hard time finishes it because King killed off two of my favorite characters. But in the end Roland reaches the Dark Tower. He does battle with the Crimson King who was trapped at the top of the Tower. He kills his enemy and enters the tower and walks up to the top. Ending was kind of confusing. I don’t know what happened to Roland in the end does he live and goes on with his life or what.

Anyways I am finished with the Dark Tower series. I am at a lost as to what to read next. I have another Stephen King book Gwendy’s Button Box I also have the latest John Grisham novel I think I had enough of King for a while and will start tart with Grisham. Yes I think I will start with Camino Island. From what I’ve heard of this book it sounds pretty good.

I made it to my therapy session. Case manager came and picked me up early. I was sitting outside when she came. I did not have a particularly good session. It was kind of frustrating. I told Bill about the breakup with Anne. He asked me how she was doing was she angry or upset. The last time I saw her she was not angry,. Then he asked me did I see this coming on. I said she spent some time with her ex husband last Sunday. She listened to his never ending problems and I think that got her upset,. He asked me why we broke up. I said she claims that we do not talk to each other anymore. I said I do talk to her and always listen. But she claims I never bring up anything or offer any feedback.

I talked with him for about an hour., At one point I remember him saying perhaps she felt that I don’t give her enough attention. She wants me to pursuer her. instead of calling her and leaving notes under her door I should go to her apartment and knock on her door. We could talk about things and try to get some closure. I said I have been giving her space. I thought she might be willing to call. and invite me down for a talk. I said I will be willing to give that a try.

He asked how I was handling this latest development. I said I took it pretty hard. I was depressed. I was letting myself go wasn’t showering or doing much of anything except play computer games. I said I took a shower yesterday and one this morning. He said that was good. He asked if I had any thoughts of hurting myself. Actually I did have some thoughts but was afraid to tell him that. I said no. I said I felt very depressed and sad

We talked for about an hour. It was pretty frustrating. I had a hard time hearing him. He talked in a low voice and I kept asking him to repeat himself. At the end he asked about the hearing aid. I said it is a piece of junk. It does not work at all.

On the way home I asked my case manager if we could go to Tudors. We went to the drive through and I bought a Ron Biscuit That filled me up for the day. I didn’t fix supper.

I went to bed early last night. I slept in today and got up around 4 Life is good