Plans changed. in Since OD is shutting down....

OK so I’ve been dealing with the hemorrhoid issue for several days now. I have always been prone to an anal tear but this is just as bad, if not worse. I’ve done every OTC thing possible along with hot baths and still no relief. I felt okay yesterday so I went to work and only stayed a couple of hours until the pain was too intense for me to try and work through. I left early and then was up all night crying because no matter what I did, the pain would NOT subside at all. I barely slept a wink and was in just as much pain this morning so I let my boss know that I love my job and wanted to finish out this week and next week but along with the backaches, swollen feet, pelvic girdle pain and now hemorrhoids, I’m unable to do my job to my best ability. She was super understanding and I told her I’d be in touch once baby comes and when I plan to return.

I got everything done today that I needed to. I made sure to print out my paystubs so that If I need them I have them. I ran a bunch of errands today, along with getting some groceries. I worry about money even though I have enough to pay my bills for the next 3 months. I guess my anxiety is at an all time high now that I’m less than 30 days from my due date and sometimes i wonder if I’m not as financially prepared as I thought. I know I’ll be okay but I’ve just never been away from work and not know what it’s like to not have steady money coming in. It’s definitely stressful as shit but at least I’m not trying to work on top of dealing with so much physical pain.

I have received a lot of notes about BD and I agree with everything y’all have had to say. Honestly, I don’t know why I continue trying to have anything to do with him. I guess it’s because I don’t have any support here and the loneliness pushes me to it. I can promise I don’t let him mooch off me though. I don’t do shit for him and I never will. If he had his way about it, he would move in and let me pay for everything. I know that he’s a worthless piece of shit and I’ve already told one of my best friends that he’s probably never really going to be a Dad because he’s already so full of excuses and I think every aspect of this situation is going to be a full on battle until I finally just pack up and get the fuck out of here.

He’s made it pretty clear that he’s more than likely not going to sign the BC and I know it’s because he doesn’t want to be responsible for paying CS but even if he doesn’t. they will still go after him, it’ll just take longer to get CS in motion. He’s told me that his Dad never signed his so I’m guessing he thinks that makes it okay for him to not sign his daughters? He’s also mentioned how he doesn’t make a lot of money and that just makes me furious because I don’t make the same money I used to and it’s not just my responsibility to make sure my daughter’s needs are met. I know that he’s probably never going to pay for anything, even if CS gets filed.

We’ve had several conversations about money and everything else but I can tell nothing is sinking in and probably never will. I’ve already decided that I’m going to give him some time to show me that he does want to be a Dad and plans to actually help raise her and if not, I’m probably going to transfer a few hours away. If I’m going to be a single Mom than why not relocate and move to where there’s better jobs and I’ll at least have one of my good friends nearby. I don’t think he understands that I’m not stuck here and I refuse to let his selfishness affect my life forever.

I have a lot to do before the baby comes and I’m going to start doing a little bit everyday until it’s done. I’m almost 37 weeks pregnant now so the clock is ticking. I’m super proud of how nice my house looks after getting rid of a bunch of furniture and junk. I am also really happy that I’ve bought everything I need for the baby and I’m good on diapers for probably a few months. I know I’ll still have to get a few things but everything else is bought. I have 2 pack and plays, a bassinet, a swing, 2 bathtubs and plenty of clothes until she’s 12 months, wash clothes, soaps, lotions, boxes of wipes, wash clothes, towels, blankets, pacifiers, you name it I probably have it.

He messaged me earlier wanting to hang out but then got mad because I didn’t want to go do something he wanted to do because I’m still in pain and didn’t feel up to it so he called me lazy. I seriously thought my head was going to explode. I don’t get any credit for how hard I’ve worked the entire time I’ve been pregnant so that I can buy what my child needs and then this fucker that’s done NOTHING has the fucking nerve to call me lazy?! Needless to say I just told him to enjoy being a child and then quit responding to the rest of his messages. At this point, I absolutely refuse to fight and argue with him or anyone else. I just don’t have it in me being this close to having a baby.

It’s like he’s just not happy unless he’s picking a fight with someone and that’s why I keep my distance. I’m just angry at myself for giving him another chance in my life and he’s still just a fucking selfish creep. Nothing is ever going to get through to him and I just feel really worried about how things are going to be once the baby comes. I definitely want him there when she’s born but if he doesn’t sign the BC then I’m going to be really upset. I just don’t think it’s fair that he’s gotten to pick and choose his involvement this whole time and I find it really selfish and annoying as shit.

I know that I shouldn’t have anything to do with him after all the stress and drama that he’s caused but it stems from not having any support whatsoever and wanting things to be somewhat normal for the sake of my child. I always thought chicks in this situation were stupid for trying to be with their baby daddy’s after being put through so much but now that I’m living it, I completely understand. I’d rather say I tried because then I’m able to tell my kid when she gets older that I did everything I could and things still just didn’t work out. Both of my best friends have been through this exact same thing and they have helped me try and stay fair and reasonable but have also said that I’m only gonna try for so long and once I give up, then I’m done.

It’s just crazy that I could be having a child with someone like him. He’s just so stupid, immature, and unstable that it’s not even funny. He told me the other day that he basically has to live with his Mom to help her pay bills and it’s like okay, your Mom should be able to take care of her own stuff without her children helping. I don’t get how she would need help anyway because she lives in a low income place, doesn’t have a car and doesn’t even pay to have a cell phone. He also likes to bring up how I used to say we could be together once he became stable and yes I did say that. He just doesn’t think any of that is a big deal because he’s never had to adult. He’s not like the rest of us that have had to actually pay rent, utilities, car payments, and stand on our own 2 feet.

Anyways, I need to lay down. Goodnight.