Wednesday Morning in New Diary

I had a good day yesterday. My worker came . She bought me a Ron biscuit from Tudors. We got to talking and she was talking about her gay son. When he was nine he was molested by a 16 year old babysitter. She said he knew he was gay at a very young age. I was saying that when I was young I never knew what gay meant. I I didn’t know shit about anything when I was young and couldn’t understand how you could be so sure about your orientation at so young an age.

She was showing me some pictures. She has two snakes. She asked if I was afraid of snakes. I said I am not a fan of snakes. She also has a pit bull. His name was Bella or something like that. Then she showed me a picture of her son and his boyfriend I said it was nice he had someone and has some friends.

We were talking about the time I used to be a crossdresser. She said she told her son about that and he said that took a lot of balls. She got kind of personal. She asked why I was estranged from my family was it because of the crossdressing. I said that had something to do with it She said that is so stupid. Then she asked what I did with all my clothes. I said I threw them out.

She did a good job of cleaning my apartment and does a lot of extra work. She will buy me breakfast once in a while. Since my case manager cannot take me shopping on the 3rd she said she would do it She is not supposed to do that but she will take me shopping. She talked about going inside Tudor’s for breakfast on th 3rdd I said I won’t have any money for that she said she could afford to buy breakfast. I said that would be nice . So I will have something to look forward to on the 3rd

She was here for a couple of hours. I felt kind of down. I’m still very depressed about the breakup. I have zero energy. I played chess against the computer for about an hour. Then I got into my book. I am still on the Dark Tower by Stephen King around 4 I fixed a tv dinner for supper. I watched then watched Jeopardythe news and then watched jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune. I read for about an hour then went to bed.

So much for my day. I didn’t go out of my apartment today. Other than my worker I did not talk to a single soul.

I thought about my Comcast bill. I changed my package not too long ago. For some reason I got a new bill. I am being billed twice. They said since I am on a new package I have a new billing cycle. and my new bill is due on the 28th . I already paid a bill for last month on the 3rd. I have no money to pay the bill when it is due. I chatted with them last month and I asked them if it would be ok if I paid on the 3rd like I always due;. They said that would be fine and would not add onto any late fees but make sure you pay it buy the 3rd

I was thinking about that last night before going to bed. Something was telling me that I should get on chat with them again. I need to explain to them that I get one check a month on the 3rd. I will pay the bill that is due today on the 3rd. But I am afraid they will tell me a different story this time. I am afraid they will tell me it is due on the 3rd and if not paid they will charge extra or cut off services. I don’t want to hear bad news and I keep putting it off. But I will chat with them this afternoon and what will happen will happen,.

I worry about every damned thing. This is no good. Worrying does not solve anything. It only makes me sick with anxiety. Anxiety gets really bad when I sit and dwell on crap. Then I feel like I am really losing it. I feel that I have lost control over things and something very bad is going to happen. Like with the Comcast thing I imagine the worst thing will happen and I will lose services.

Then I shut down. I don’t do anything. I ignore problems and problems only get worse . Got to deal with the Comcast thing. Got to deal with it and I will take care of it today.

I am feeling fairly good today. Well I am still very depressed. It is hard for me to get interested in things. I’m still letting myself go down the tubes. I haven’t been taking care of myself very good. I do not go outside and sit in front of the computer all damned day. I keep telling myself breakups are hard. This is not the end of the world. People go through a lot worse and have things a lot worse than me. I need to get over this and move on with my life. Life goes on after all. Breakups happen to everyone and they get over it and move on It seems like the end of the world but it is not.

Got to d eal with things no matter what happens. Got to do the best I can. no matter what happens.