Fuzzled in My Fucking Feelings

I’m feeling a bit… Fuzzled.
Perhaps you know what I mean. I cannot quite articulate the feeling. I’m not even sure what is happening in my brain.
Things start to slip. Thoughts are not always incredibly coherent. Random bits. Emotions clashing that perhaps should not be present at all. It’s not a strong emotional upheval. Just a feeling that I’m a bit… Off.... Lately.

I’m holding the pieces of my dreams together with sticky glue covered hands, knowing if I let go it will be hard to pick up the pieces. Even as I’m making progress in my life overall I clearly see I could be doing so much better. I should be. I am dissapointed that I am not meeting my own standards. I see thw improvements, but they are simply not good enough for me.

My body is aching, I am tired despite ample sleep. I am easily frustrated. I’ve decided if I’m ever going to get where I want to be I must go back to therapy. It scares me. It is so hard to find a psych I like. Especially given my pentience for empathy and slight ability to see inaide a person’s mind. And even then, what scares me more is that I may need medication to kick this. I hate medication. I don’t want to be dependant on it. But what it comes down to is that my desire to achieve greater success requires more energy. My need of energy is greater than my fear of medication. And so I start the search for a therapist that is decent and will also work for minimal compensation provided by my pitiful insurance.

Still looking for a job. Not looking as hard as I should though. I’m far more concerned with my education. Haven’t made much forward progress on figuring out how to pay for it, but I’m glad I’ve taken the initial steps at least.

Suddenly afraid to write that which is most commonly on my mind. Who is reading? What affect could it have. It’s all a repeat freak show anyway. Silly maniacs.