Letter in New Diary

I wrote a letter to my ex gf yesterday. I apologized for this latest misunderstanding. I said that I loved her and will always love her. I told her I’ve been very, very depressed. I said we have always had our breakups before. I always took her back Why I asked. I took her back because I love her and will always love her. I asked for a second chance and asked if she would take me back. I said please give me a call. I ended my note saying that my door is always open and she is always welcome to come up and use the computer

I was hoping for a phone call or a note under my door. She did not respond. I don’t know what else I can do. I don’t’ think there is anything I can do at this point. I reached out to her and it is up to her to respond. I hope she does contact me. We have had a ten year relationship and I hate to see it end like this. All I can say is that I tried.

I didn’t do much of anything yesterday. I sat in front of the computer. Once again I played a million chess and trivia games. I tried to get into my book. The Dark Tower. I am upset with the author Stephen King killed off two of Roland’s Ka Tet. Eddie Dean and Jake Chambers. In the book. These were some of my favorite characters. in the story. When I read about Jake’s death I had to put the book down. I felt very sad I didn’t want to go on but I am determined to finish this novel.

I was very upset yesterday afternoon., I wanted to binge eat but all I had to eat was tv dinners and Homestyle bakes. I found $.50 and bought something out of the machine. I did sat outside for a little bit. I was sitting on the bench eating my chips when ASSHOLE showed up. I cannot stand him We spoke. He sat down and started talking to some guy and I got up and went back to my apartment,.

I wanted a sub from Fox’s. I figured out my budget and figured I could order a sub for supper tonight. I called Fox’s and said one sub was 8,.99. Good I thought,. That is how much I can afford to charge on my card. They wanted a ten dollar limit for delivery. That was beyond my means. Hell with it I said I decided to have another tv dinner,.

I listened to channel 9 news and NBC news,. After the news I turned on the oldies channel and was able to get back into my book. I read for a couple hours last night.

Well I tried. I reached out to her. I honestly think there is nothing else I can do at this point. If it is over it is over. I don’t understand why it has to be over. I always thought we had a wonderful relationship. I really think it is a shame to think that it has to end. for good this time.

Well June is almost over. Budget for July has been on my mind Right now I owed $283.14 on my credit card. I need to buy one more med this month Dexilent and that will be $3.99. So I will be ending up with a balance of $287.13 I still plan on paying this all off at once. I can do it. I get $755 a month. I set aside $150 for Comcast and $241.75 for rent. That leaves me with $363.25,. I buy three cartons of cigars for $42 That leaves me with $321.25 I will pay $3.21 for a reload fee on my debit card. That will leave me with $318.,.04 I will put $290 on my debit card That will leave me with $20.04 This will be enough for laundry

We had a regular inspection and a HUD inspection not too long ago., I paid a couple $150 to clean my apartment for these two inspections. The money came out of my check. I used my credit card for groceries and other expenses. I racked up a big credit card bil I always pay my credit card bill in full. Then I am broke again and I resort to the credit card to rack up another big bill. It is a vicious cycle.

I am trying to break free of this cycle. I think I can really tough it out next month. Then in August I will actually have money left over from my check. Anyways this is the goal I’m working on.

I think I will be ok next month I don’t care about not having money. I only care about paying my bills and having enough food for one meal a day and having money for meds. I have been in worse situations before. I will never forget the time I had bed bugs. Housing authority made me hire an exterminator. I had to pay Terminix $200 a month for four months. I had no money for food. I was going to churches and food pantries. That was a terrible time but I survived. If I can survive that I can survive one month At least I have food

I do not feel so sad or depressed this morning. Actually I am feeling pretty good. I slept good last night. I had a good cup of coffee this morning. There is something about coffee and cigarettes in the morning. They always put me in a good mood. After all things could be worse. This is the end of the month. I could be without cigars and I would be going bonkers. I have those cheap cigars I smoke and I have food to eat. I have meds. I have everything I need to survive.

Always remember the positives. 1 I have a nice apartment. 2 I have food to eat. 3 I have money for meds. 4 I have clothes to wear. 5 I have phone internet and cable tv. 6 I have a worker that comes in an cleans for me. 7 I have the support of Healthways. 8 I am caner free and in fairly good physical health. 9 I have plenty of books to read,. 10 I have very fond memories of my former girlfriend. 11 I have an SSI and social security check

Whenever I think things are pretty bad and I can no longer go on I always remind myself about the positives. I am truly blessed. Things are not perfect but life is good. Life is always good.

LIfe goes on. LIfe always goes on no matter what happens.

Last updated June 27, 2017