Feeling like hell in New Diary

I tried to be positive in my last entry. I really did and my mood was a little bit better for a little bit. It did not last. I felt like shit all afternoon. I didn’t do a damned thing except stare at the computer and played endless chess games. I felt very very depressed. It is as though I lost interest in everything. If I keep on going the way I am I will end up in the hospital. A big part of me doesn’t care. I kept saying to myself let them come and take me. I just can’t do; this anymnore.

I feel lost without her. I was thinking what is the point of going on. I have nobody and it is pretty shitty without friends or anyone. I kept thinking my own family doesn’t want anything to do with me. Everyone in the apartment building hates me. I could go outside and try to socialize but nobody talks to me. What is the point of going outside when nobody talks to me in the first place. The one person who would have anything to do with me doesn’‘t want to be around. No phone calls nothing.

I was really hurting this afternoon. It tried to think of the positive things in my life but it didn’t work out very good. That did not cheer me up. Yes I do have a lot of good things going for me but they mean nothing without Cho;colatechip. I would trade them all to have her back in my life.

I really love her. I miss her. This is a very bad breaku and I did nothing wrong. That is what hurts. I did nothing wrong. Makes me mad to think about it but I did nothing wrong to her. Knowing this why do I feel so guilty. Why do I think it is all my fault. Why do I feel like such a complete piece of shit when I did nothing wrong.

This is really hell. I am way too old for this shit. All I want in my old age is peace. and no stress. Is that too much to ask for. I have bad anxiet5y and I can’t take a lot of stress. This is really killing me. It is killing me because I am actually worried about her. I caere very much for her and I hope she is doing ok. I hope she is not going through what I’m going through right now. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

I didn’‘t do a lot of things today. I didn’t read. I just didn’t have the energy. I kept thinking about Anne. I wanted to call her. But I was told to give her time. She will either come around and call me. We will get backj together and she will appreciate me for giving her space and time. I wanted so much to pick up the phone and call me but I was afraid. I was afraid she would tell me to go top hell. and she doesn’t want to see me anymore. If that is the case I could not live with that.

This really sucks. It is the worst .hell with it all