Saturday Morning I'm going to live in New Diary

It is the weekend Big deal. I probably will stay in my apartment all weekend. Hell with it. Depression I was experiencing subsided. I had frozen pizza for supper. Eating always makes me feel better for some reason. After supper I listened to the news and watched tv for a while. I must have played about a million chess games on the computer I think am pretty sick of that game

Breakup with Chocolatechip is hurting me very , very bad. I was thinking about the situation last night. I can let this destroy me. Or I can pick myself up and get on with my life. it sucks but I have to go on and live my life. I cannot let this bring me down where I will end up in ;a psych ward. I have to go on with my life

These are the choices I have. Yesterday I was at the point where I didn’t want to go on. I wasn’t suicidal. I didn’t have any thoughts about it. I was thinking if it ended yesterday I would be happy;. . If I was standing in the street and a car was barreling down at me I wouldn’t jump. But today I am feeling a bit different. I’m still depressed but I am getting better. I want to live,. To live is the choice I’m going to make.

I do not want to die. I have a great fear of death. I am afraid of where my soul will end up. I tried to be a good man all my life. But I made some pretty bad decisions. I think I hurt and disappointed a lot of people. God is just and his judgment is perfect. I fear his judgment against me when it will be my time. This thought alone keeps me going no matter all the pain of depression I am afraid of dying. I choose to live.

I was taking stock of things and I was trying to remember all the positives in my life. 1 I have a nice apartment. 2 I have food to eat. 3 I have clothes to wear. 4 I have money for meds. 5 I am in fairly good health. 6 I have an ssi check and social security check. 7 I have phone, internet and cable tv. 8 I have plenty of books to read. 9 I have very fond memories of my former fiancé. 10 I have a good support system in Healthways and a worker that comes in and helps me clean my apartment . Life is pretty good and I choose to live it.

Making a list of all the positives helps me remember that things are not too bad. I got a lot of good things going for me. I feel better already