Mind in Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017

Apparently, I have a lot on my mind today. Which is good as there is a lot I want to get done today. But… of course… we’ll see how much (if any) I actually get done. Fingers crossed it is at least a quality amount. And… big item… I need to keep up my fucking running. Right now I’m exercising one day a week and running about 2.5k. I’d like to amp that up to at least 2 times a week, running about 5k per week. Ultimately, the goal would be to exercise up to 4 times per week, running about 10k per week. But honestly? Just finding the time and energy to run the 2.5 is a weekly struggle.

Now… I just had a twenty minute non-billable conversation about a client who wanted Guarantees and Promises. I’m an attorney. I get that you’re from China and you expect the White Boy to do as you say but… first and foremost, I’m a professional. ANY attorney who promises you ANYTHING about their services is likely lying. The best I can say is “almost guarantee” or “just about promise” but I’m not going to say “Here is a contractual certainty” because I’m not an idiot.

Last night… got home at about 7:30. Wife was working late. I took care of some stuff around the house and showered and that was the entire “time alone” until she got home. Said she had a bad day, but it was bad in the usual way. Surprisingly (awesomely) she actually asked about my day… something she has rarely if ever done… and I tried to downplay the day. Shared that the client who I was supposed to be meeting with never showed… might be in jail. She started talking about how she isn’t sure if she has the energy or will power to return to her job. Which… problems abound. She doesn’t want to work at Wal Mart but doesn’t know where she would rather work. She doesn’t want to go back to Wal Mart. Meanwhile, I don’t want to work in this firm (for many reasons) and I am freaking out about how little I am getting paid/how little I am getting done. I’ve considered applying for other places but want to fulfill my commitments first. But yeah… you’ve got two people who are going to work everyday and neither of them particularly wanting to be there. Yet this world works almost exclusively on money and (I’ve figured it out)… at our present rate, we need to consistently be bringing in at least $50,000 a year just to break even. Well considering my “$30,000”… we need two incomes. Especially when you consider that my “$30,000” is actually more like “$24,000” after taxes. So… yeah. Big Lawyer Man can’t even earn half of what his family needs.

I’ve been thinking about that a lot today, as well. I could get “$30,000” a year plus benefits working a phone bank for Mediacom Cable. Sure, I wouldn’t get the satisfaction that I wasn’t wasting my potential… but I’d work from 8 to 5:30, get health benefits, and I wouldn’t lose a thin red cent in salary. So, sure, maybe I’d be working in a much more oppressive environment and doing something I hated… but (and this is where Wife is in trouble)… I’d rather do something I hate that allows me the time and finances to pursue things I love. Wife… doesn’t have things she loves. So there’s no incentive to push through the hard parts. But seriously… I think, as hard as it will be to close my eyes and keep focused, this is an issue I really shouldn’t consider until October. At that point, I’ll have been with this firm for two full fiscal quarters. Any benefits, bonuses, or additional perks will have been received/discussed. And ISU will be back in session, thus potentially increasing my Client Count. If, after all of that, I’m still looking at $24,000 after taxes? Well… as long as I take a job that offers $12 an hour (after taxes)… I’ll be breaking even!

Speaking of time to pursue things I love… I’d been thinking lately about the thing I most miss that I wanted to regain upon moving back to Des Moines. As a child, Theater was a weekly thing. Either I was performing, or my parents were taking me to the Symphony, or we’d go see a play, or something like Rent would be in town. And now? Those things still happen in the city… there is still a Symphony, still plays, still something like Hamilton. Only I’m not going. Call it finances. Call it free time. Call it lacking someone to go with. I miss it. And that is something that plays significantly with my current marital issues. I do love my wife. I do find her beautiful. I do want her world to be a better place. But everything is wrong. She can’t stand her work place but she can’t stand looking for something different. She’s so wrapped up in that pain that she can’t bring herself to “date” or “sexually engage” in our marriage. So we become these two people that don’t like what they are doing professionally, who come home and see each other (maybe) and exist together, locked in our mutual unhappiness.

Which ultimately translates to something dark and unfortunate. Namely: I want to create (or find) a female friend that I can do things like dinner and a show; watch a concert; talk Video Games, Comic Books, and Anime; be close to/with. But then… that is obviously dangerous. Because what I am essentially saying is… I want to stay married to my wife because I love her and made a promise. But I want to have a relationship with someone else. That is what it comes to. And that would never fly with Wife and it wouldn’t really fly with me either. But… I can’t do those things with wife. So, it feels like a stuck place.

Oh, and, one more thing about the Law Firm. I know Wife hates her job because Wal Mart is awful and terrible and boring and customers suck and wah and blah. But I just got called by Chinese Boss (yes, from New Orleans) to “take me through” proper procedure when dealing with Chinese Clients. Namely: Non-Criminal Chinese Clients are going to treat me like I am a crooked, conning, shyster lawyer who is after their money and will not perform my duties. This is not personal. It is how all of our Chinese Clients will treat me because I am white. Therefore, I am to remind the Chinese Clients that I am not their attorney; I am simply picking up paperwork for their attorney, and I cannot answer any legal questions of any kind.
This… pisses me off, frankly. I am an attorney. I legally represented the State of Iowa, I am a Bar Certified lawyer representing private and appointed clients. I was hired by this firm to represent clients and earn money through that representation. If Chinese Clients are going to treat me with disrespect and noncooperation… and if our firm’s response is “Just deal with it and act like a Human Mail Slot” then what the hell? I mean… White Boss doesn’t take Immigration Cases. White Boss only takes Criminal and Family Law cases. There are three attorneys. If White Boss won’t deal with the non-Criminal Chinese clients… and Chinese Boss wants to go more “Business Management/Business Growth”… that leaves me. I don’t mind being disrespected by an employer or a supervisor or a superior… I do mind being disrespected by a person I am trying to help… and I do mind when my boss’ “solution” is “this is how things are going to be.” If we’re going to have a law firm that uniquely services the Chinese Community… and the Chinese Community will only work with a Chinese Attorney… then our Chinese Attorney needs to realize the position she has put herself in and either (1) suck it up and realize that your life is now forever chained to your desk so you can serve the clients; or (2) hire an absolute gaggle of Chinese staffers that can act as “Stand Ins, Go Betweens, and Buffers” between the Chinese Clients and the White Attorneys.

Bee Tee Dubs (BTW), read this: http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy