Cat vaccines, stress. in Since OD is shutting down....

So yesterday I woke up bound and determined I was going to find someone to give the kittens their first round of booster shots. I messaged my Mom asking her if she was going to be in town at all and she said no. She doesn’t ask why because she was probably terrified I was going to ask for some kind of help. I asked my brother and he had excuses all day. I had my friend come with me to buy cat food, cat litter and the boosters. The lady that worked there told us how to do it so we tried and failed miserably. I was really upset that I wasted money on a shot and I know my kitten only got a little bit of it. I called her and asked if she would do it and she said yes so we took them in the pet carrier back to the store and she vaccinated them for me. I gave her $20 and I’m going to have her do the other ones when the time comes.

I got super upset because my brother wouldn’t help me and started crying. My friend couldn’t even understand his bullshit either. I cry because I’m almost 35 weeks pregnant and because this is just how he’s been my whole life. Ugh, I was just so frustrated! My family is so worthless and it makes me really consider moving after my child is born. If I can be a single Mom here than why not be a single Mom somewhere else?

BD is still a bunch of bullshit. He’s always asking me for money or rides and no matter how many times I’ve said no, it doesn’t deter him whatsoever. He was messaging me yesterday asking me to give him a ride at 6 this morning and I of course said no. I was being a really big bitch to him yesterday and I made him aware of the fact that because no one he’s around has cars or working cell phones, my daughter won’t be left in their care. He turned around and said he wouldn’t take disrespect towards his family and he didn’t understand what I wanted from him. I’m not sure how it’s being disrespectful saying I’m not going to have my daughter being looked after by people who don’t have cars or phones, but whatever.

He wanted to hang out last night for Father’s Day but I had a trying day and just wasn’t into it. He went from saying how we aren’t even supposed to be talking to wanting me to come get him and I just wasn’t going to. I was tired from crying, not getting much sleep, and getting my kittens vaccinated that I wasn’t about to get in the car and go get him. I also don’t like how I’ll tel him that I’m there and it still takes him like 10 minutes to make his way to my car. It’s just annoying. Like if he had a car of his own that NONE of this would be a fucking problem!

I worked super late Saturday night and then came home and went after my closet yet again. I spent 2 hours on it and it’s almost perfect. I got my new vacuum yesterday and it works great. I ordered carpet shampoo and will do my carpets probably on Thursday or Friday. I also took all the movies out of their cases and will be putting them in a big case. I just needed to get them out of the totes they were in because I had shit that needed to be put away.

I definitely realize my nesting has started. I’m always cleaning now. I will literally get up at 6 am and find myself cleaning and throwing stuff away. I must do laundry today and put money in the bank. I still need to fold baby clothes and put them in her dresser. I’m probably going to finish out next week and start maternity leave. I have another ultrasound tomorrow where they are going to check her size and my OB said we may have to discuss C-section depending on what it is. I definitely don’t want that but we’ll see too. I know it’s out of my control but I just worry about the recovery from that too.

Already this morning I cleaned out the cat litter box, threw some stuff away and plan to do laundry later. I just can’t help but have made a list of all the stuff I need to do while on maternity leave and add to it as well. I am honestly just so tired of working because physically it hurts. My pelvis is sore and walking is super painful, has been for weeks now. I’m also tired of the heat and it makes me dread being outside. It hasn’t been so bad the past few days but it’s almost July so we aren’t in the hottest part of the Summer yet.

Things at work are fine but I just can’t help but be excited to get away from there for a few weeks. I’m still frustrated that I never got to put more money in the bank like I wanted but I have enough to last for at least 3 months too, My friend doesn’t think I have enough but she doesn’t understand that I have plenty of laundry soap, dish soap, toilet paper, all my baby stuff and all my bills are paid up.

I was so grateful for my friend that helped me yesterday by coming with me to get my heavy stuff that I needed. I need to start trying to hang out with her more. She also lives just a few blocks away and will be the one I call when I go into labor. I’m glad that I at least have her because she doesn’t work much and is able to be around more than most people. We were talking about my BD yesterday and I said something about how he just doesn’t understand and she said that’s because he doesn’t want to and it just made a lot of sense.

Honestly, I accept that fact that he’s never going to step up and take responsibility for being a man or a Dad and that’s why I’ve bought everything. When he left, he put the weight of the world on my shoulders and I think it seriously pisses him off that I never begged for his help. He doesn’t have any money so asking for anything would have been pointless anyway. Now, he loves to say how he doesn’t make a lot of money but I don’t care. Child support isn’t going to care. He still thinks that he’s not going to be responsible at all and it’s almost humorous now.

I just never imagined myself having a baby like this. I’ve had no support this whole time and my child’s father is probably one of the biggest pieces of shit that God ever created. I’m not going to let him move in and live off me just to have him around and if he chooses to not help raise her or financially support her than it’s going to help me make my decision to get the fuck out of here. I can’t just spend my life waiting for people to decide they want to be in my life or my child’s life.

Tomorrow is going to be baby appointments like crazy and that’s why I took the day off. I have my ultrasound in the morning, followed by OB and then a couple of hours later I have the fetal echo ultrasound 2 hours later. I’m pretty sure the lady I’m working with to go back to school is going to come to that one and my friend is gonna come to the one in the morning. BD claims he got the day off but I just don’t even care if he were to come or not. Getting him to do anything has been pulling teeth since he’s been back and even thinking about him coming along makes me emotionally and physically tired.

I just don’t enjoy being around him because all he does is bring up the RO and blame me for everything. I also get tired of all his excuses for him being a pile of shit too. He said something when he was here Thursday night about him basically wanting to leave out of state again to go to school but needs the RO dropped first. He’s also mentioned being a SAHD before I shut that shit down. I just can’t help but feel that he has some kind of hidden agenda with this whole thing and I’ve already let him know that getting rid of the RO isn’t at the top of my priorities.

Like I just wish I knew why God would give me such difficult people and what the hell I do about them. My family isn’t much of a family and the guy that helped make my child is just a fucking trainwreck. It gets to me. A lot more now because I’m almost done being pregnant.

Anyways, I’m gonna lay down and try to get a nap before my friend calls.