One day it will all be over. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

Last night I was getting ready for bed…and by that I mean I was about halfway through a bottle of wine when a friend of mine hit me up to go to a party down the coast.

I wanted to get a good nights rest last night. I wanted to be asleep by about midnight, but instead I found myself getting picked up AT midnight to go to this party.

At some point I got really tired because my meds started to kick in, so I stopped drinking and decided to go lay down in a quiet and dark spot of the house, which pretty much resulted in nothing but a lot of tossing and turning and almost losing all of my stuff in a strange couch that someone else decided to come and lay down on as soon as I got up to go to the bathroom, so I had to try to wake up this giant bear of a man to find my damn phone and some other stuff that fell out of my pockets, that was obviously important.

After I decided that sleep wasn’t going to be happening, one of the hosts of the party offered that maybe I would feel better if I put some cocaine into my body, which I had already turned down a little earlier in the evening, but after realizing it was going to cost me $63 to Uber home, and the people that I had come to the party with weren’t in the mood to go home until the sun came up, I decided that maybe putting some cocaine up my nose was a good idea…so I went into the bathroom with this party host and we did some cocaine.

Immediately upon finishing our lines, the hostess’s boyfriend walked into the bathroom and a whole “what the fuck are you two doing in here?” thing started to happen, but I wasn’t in the mood for any of it, so I literally just pushed past him and decided that the two of them could work it out and if he wanted to come find me for a fight, then I guess I’d have to fucking fight him…but it never got to that point. He was much drunker than I was and it would have been an easy win…but still, I wasn’t in the mood for any of it.

Finally, around 5 in the morning we went to Del Taco and then back to the apartment that we would be staying at for the night.

A friend of mine and I spent the night together on a twin bed, and at one point there was some inappropriate touching going on for the limitations of our decided relationship…which is kind of all bullshit anyway, because we got really inappropriate a few months ago…well, SHE got really inappropriate a few months ago and, to tell you the truth, the whole thing kind of felt a little rape-y, but when you’re a guy you can’t really go around saying you got raped by a girl, especially when after saying “no” so many times your body is saying “yes” so you just look like a participant.

Needless to say, I woke up this fathers day feeling tired and confused and not even entirely sure if I had fun or not....which isn’t a new thing, I can never really tell if I’m having fun anymore or not, it’s partly my meds and partly because my mixed episodes are getting stronger and lasting longer and affecting my life in permanent ways it seems....or something…I don’t know…I have no idea what’s going on anymore.

I hardly even got to see my dad today, so that was kind of a bummer. I got to see him for a few moments at the end of the night, after I got done with one of the worst shifts of my entire life, and I was pretty much like “happy fathers day” and he was like “yeah? What’s so happy about it?” and now I’m just drinking a 40 of Mickey’s wondering what the hell is so happy about anything.