Aftermath in 2014

It’s been a roller coaster of emotions since last Friday when I received the news of Chris’s death.

The first few days I just felt numb. I was pretty busy but every time I stopped I’d remember and feelings of devastation would wash over me and I’d burst into tears. I spent most of Saturday/Sunday crying on and off.

After that I felt guilty. I should have been a better girlfriend/friend. I should have insisted we stay together instead of respecting his wishes to be single. I should have stayed in closer contact as a friend. I should have been more supportive of his efforts to get counselling & fix his mental health issues. This followed closely with a lot of “What If” … What if I had of made different decisions then there’d be a different outcome. Futile and every time I found myself spiraling with these thoughts I’d tell myself to stop. It literally gave me a headache for three days.

During the guilt phase I rang my ex housemate Dan and spoke to him about my feelings. He reminded me that at the time Chris & I broke up my daughter was only 8 years old. He also reminded me that Chris wanted to be single because he wanted to address his mental health issues and that I had respected his decision because his behavior was quite concerning. Dan reminded me that at the time I didn’t want my 8 year old daughter to be exposed to a lifestyle where adults were self medicating & drinking excessively. Funny how much grief can cloud your judgement. I’d forgotten how much of a factor my daughter’s well being was in making decisions back then.

Then I looked at Chris’s Facebook. We’re not fb-friends. There were photos of his overseas trips to Amsterdam and Japan. I knew he went to Japan a few times to go skiing. I don’t remember him talking about going to Amsterdam. There was also an updating showing he’d enrolled to University this year. The University argument was one we had a lot over the years. He always regretted not studying science & instead working in mining. I would encourage him to go back to University and study as a mature age student. He’d always make excuses. So somewhere along the way he made this momentous decision to go back to University to study what? He never talked to me about it. Science or environmental science?

This makes me think perhaps we weren’t as good a friends as I thought we were. On the phone his mum told me he’d always loved me; I was the one for him; she was always telling him we should get back together; she’s so glad we remained such good friends. Well hang on a minute … If we are such good friends and I was so special then how come there’s all this stuff I didn’t know? How much more stuff is there that I don’t know about him? And now I feel silly for feeling so sad all week. I honestly think we weren’t nearly as close as I was lead to believe we were. The whole thing has left me feeling rather angry. Angry at him & his family & the situation as a whole.

I just found out this morning that he passed away on my birthday. I thought that might be the case when I spoke to his Mum last Friday. She said he’d been alone in the house for 5 days before he was found and it was 3 days ago. I did the maths and thought gee, I hope it didn’t happen on the 1st, my birthday…

http://www.westannouncements.com.au/obituaries/thewest-au/obituary.aspx?n=christopher-zador&pid=185809926

I rang his sisters house and his Dad just picked up the phone. Looks like the Coroner has ruled out any natural causes of death. Such as a heart attack, a stroke or a fall. They’re still waiting for test results to come back so there’s still no cause of death. I’m starting to suspect it was a drug overdose. His Dad advised that the funeral will be next Saturday. We’re at netball all day Saturday so looks like I’ll have to make arrangements so I can attend the funeral.

Is it wrong that I’m fed up with this whole situation?

Last updated June 16, 2017