Retirement realities in Daydreaming on the Porch

The past two weeks have been an incredible transition period, really difficult psychologically as I’ve struggled with second thoughts and bouts of depression and anxiety. Retirement is liberating when I think of all the possibilities, but scary, too. It officially began June 1.

What’s difficult to convey to people is that my job was not only my daily routine and way of life, but my only social outlet outside the house and all my duties here. I’m really missing that aspect.

I’m feeling a bit lonely – and fighting off occasional, rather intense but brief bouts of depression where I ask myself if I’ve made a horrible mistake in retiring. But then I realize this has been a long time coming. And there’s no going back at this point, so second guessing is utterly futile. One can never foresee what it’s going to be like – back and forth feelings of great freedom and release combined with a deep sense of loss, like my whole former way of life is gone, in an instant. But that’s what retirement is – severing from the old and embracing the new and unknown.

I hope I can quickly start doing that. I am already, but the mental shift is far from complete. I’ll always miss a lot about the job I had for 22 years, mostly the people, but also the daily interactions with our customers and the opportunities each day to briefly know some of them and help them. That was always deeply satisfying.

Another aspect of my job I’ll miss is the fact that it was a lifeline – it saved me after a long period of depression and unemployment 23 years ago. There’s never been a lot of stress in my job and it became over the years a comfortable cocoon then a haven and release from the turmoil and uncertainty of my life prior to getting that final job and settling down for good. So you can see why I’d have strong misgivings about leaving it, particularly when I’m still healthy and mentally alert enough to continue on and on, if I had chosen to.

One of my wise former co-workers told me this in a recent email:

      "I would not get too down on things.  You have only been gone one week.  I honestly believe you are having feelings that many have when there is a change such as retirement.  I think you will soon be feeling differently.  Please concentrate on all the new things you will be able to do...  It is a major change in your life.  Think of it as a new chapter that will be very exciting."

That’s what this whole stage of life is largely about. It’s just hit me so suddenly, I’ll adjust over time, and I already feel relief that I have more control over the situation at home. Mom’s getting more and more confused, and I was afraid I’d have to come home from work more and more frequently, hence the main reason to retire at this time. Plus turning 66 also. That had a little bit to do with it. The clock is starting to run out, but then again, the final stage of life should not be about time at all but living as much as possible each day, one day at a time, and in each moment. The endless now – that’s what eternity must really be when you think about it. But how terribly difficult it is to avoid revisiting the past too much or pondering possible futures. Things will happen when it’s time, my uncertain but final decision to retire in late March being a prime example of that.

I’ll have time for lots of that deep thinking, contemplation and reading since I won’t be at work 8 hours a day. It’s an enticing prospect if I don’t get overwhelmed with all that I want to read. I have a rather insatiable curiosity but have trouble concentrating, hence so many unread books piled up. But I love being surrounded by books on all sides, next to the bed.. everywhere actually.

We’re keeping the caregivers as much as we can so I will be getting out fairly frequently as I have in the past week. Thank goodness.

Two attempts to do volunteer work for environmental organizations I highly esteem have not panned as of yet out, and that’s disillusioning, but maybe I’m really not quite ready to do that yet anyway. I should qualify that by saying I am, and yet I’m not, if you know what I mean. I have to more fully transition away from work life. I will check out the Senior Center plus other similar places. I’ll be thinking of people and organizations I might contact to volunteer with. I don’t have a sense of urgency, but I think some kind of regular routine outside the house will do me so much good and give me something to plan and look forward to.

It will all just take time and patience with myself. Another goal will be to try to stop projecting out into, and ruminating about, things that could go wrong in the future. I have GOT to stop that, plus start getting more sleep. (“To dream the impossible dream.”)