Nope in 2017

I feel like I have so much on my mind that I cant seem to get any of it out coherently lately. Today was day 2 of wellbutrin, and on day 4 I increase the dosage to ‘full strength’. Hard to say yet if its working. Time will give me an idea, I guess.

Today was awful in that I looked forward to no part of it. Most days I prefer not to be busy, and today was go-go-go. The morning brought a support meeting for matt and I (as will all Saturdays until hes finished the program). Then I was supposed to go to my uncle’s brother’s wake (didnt go), went to feed their dog (we live in the same town) and went to a different cousin’s high school graduation party. Really I should not have blown off the wake. That uncle and his family are so good to me. But Im just so emotionally spent these days. Im struggling, and really didnt want to do the drive and the time when I already had so much on our schedule. I have also been fighting some heavy duty exhaustion all day. I instead left an inspirational note on their table when I went to feed their dog, so I hope that redeems at least something.

Im super struggling these days with feeling like I have nothing extra to give anyone. Im barely sifting through my own landslides within my immediate family…I have to push myself a LOT to do anything extra. Its frustrating, because prior to this year, extending myself to help others was a very big part of my personality. So I can never decide whether to be glad that I gave myself grace to say no, or frustrated that Im bailing yet again.

Without doubt my heightened anxiety is due to the uncertainty of my mom’s health. The imaging machinery broke and her appointment has been rescheduled to Wednesday. Im frustrated that there is no way for it to be done sooner than that, but I wont voice that to her because Im sure shes thinking the same herself. Waiting is the hardest part, and as that gets prolonged, I begin to fear the possibilities. Rational me knows there is nothing to do but wait. Worrying wont help. But rational me isnt the most reliable these days.