letters to kid rock in poetry

Dear Kid Rock,
the only thing worse in the world than being Ted Nugent
is trying to be the Dollar Store version of Ted Nugent and
failing even at that very minimal goal
stop it
go do something else.

Dear Kid Rock,
interestingly the K-Mart version of Ted Nugent
is actually Ted Nugent
in string physics they call it
Nugent’s Lowered-Expectations Paradox
it’s really interesting
read a book.

Dear Kid Rock,
do you prefer Kid?
do you prefer Mr. Rock?
Wikipedia says that your given name is
“Robert James Ritchie”
which sounds like the name of a neo-Nazi
who tries to protest that the local state college
has a women’s studies program
but no one joins him in the protest and
ends up getting punched out by
a four-foot-ten sophomore named Beth
so, really
not that far off from being Kid Rock.

Dear Kid Rock,
you are no longer a kid and
only by the loosest definition
have you ever rocked
you’re fucking forty-six, sir
how about Grandpa Country-Rap?
you’re not street and you’re not redneck
your dad owned a dealership, bro
your dad owned a series of dealerships, bro
how did you not end up getting
kicked out of Phi Kappa House or whatever
for paddling the kids rushing a little too lustily
“Kid Rock”
most people stick to just appropriating one culture
you’re batting two-for-two, hillbilly and rap
if I wasn’t so disgusted
I’d almost be impressed.

Dear Kid Rock,
you’re not even Detroit’s preminent old white rap man
that’s Eminem
you’re one upped by Doctor Dre’s sidekick
how bad does THAT burn?
you’re one upped by a guy named Marshall Mathers the Third
which sounds like the name of the chapter president at Phi Kappa
who had to kick you out of the frat house
so U of Michigan wouldn’t take away the charter
that’s gotta be hell to live with.

Dear Kid Rock,
the only interesting thing you ever did in your career as an artist
was the time when they needed to take a swear out of one of your songs
so that it could be sold in Wal-Mart and Sam Goody, so edgy
and instead of beeping it or making a scratch sound
instead you said “Radio Edit”
that was it
that was the pinnacle of your career and you should’ve stopped there and
I’m pretty sure that wasn’t even your idea
I’m pretty sure that was just a tossed-off idea
by some producer or an A&R man or whatever and
that was your peak
you should’ve stopped there.

Dear Kid Rock,
according to Wikipedia when you ran drugs for a gang
the gang was called “The Best Friends” which
is the second worst name for a gang I have ever heard
the worst name for a gang I have ever heard
is The Insane Clown Posse which
according to Wikipedia
one of your early breakthroughs was guest rapping
on an album of their in nineteen-ninety-two
in nineteen-ninety-two I was thirteen and
much of my life consisted of jacking off and
listening to a cassette dub of Use Your Illusion One and
nine out of ten dentists agree
I had a more dignified nineteen-ninety-two than you did.

Dear Kid Rock,
you aren’t RUN-DMC
you aren’t even RUN-CCR, man
at least “Takin’ Care of Business” had a decent hook
Jesus.

Dear Kid Rock,
I’m not saying this to be mean
I’m just saying this to let you know
if what you were doing as a rich man
pretending to be all harsh and working class
and bigoted and fucked up and small minded
was ever considered a rebellious act
it sure as hell isn’t that now
when the guy pretending to be the president
has basically the same schtick except
sucking up to Vladimir Putin instead of
playing nostalgia tours at state fair grounds
and when it’s like that, Kid
you just gotta let go
you got your money
you can probably own fifty dealerships
go now, go back to your people
they need you
your Robert James Ritchie blood calls out to you.

Dear Kid Rock,
all I’m saying is
Fred Durst is laughing at you at this point
all I’m saying is
Billy Ray Cyrus is laughing at you at this point
all I’m saying is
the guy from Creed, I think his name was Scott Creed?
he’s laughing at you even now
even as he believes he is being stalked by demons on the surface of Venus.

Dear Kid Rock,
all I’m saying is
nineteen-ninety-eight called and
it wants its you back
and who would we be
to not let that poor year have a break now and then.

Regards,
some jerk