I do what I want in over whelmed...?

I recently discovered that I am too hard on myself. I don’t mean that in an interview question answer type of way. I mean that in a I set really redonculous goals and never one at a time, like 10 to 15, and then when I fuck up one thing I toss it all to the side and spend weeks beating myself up for being a loser.

So now I do what I want. I learned how to do this recently when I set what I thought was a simple goal (get a new career: do this by figuring out what you like and are good at, see if you need to go back to school, get an internship, figure out how to drive the car, etc. etc). The person I told this to suggested that maybe I should scrap all of that and just go sit in the car and turn it on. Which is crazy, what type of goal is that? Anyway I sat in the car and turned it on 5 weeks ago. Now I drive everyday. I used to have panic attacks when I looked at the car. Not only do I drive everyday but I sort of like it now. I like the driving part because I get to listen to music and sing and I have the ability to do what I want. I don’t really leave a five mile radius of my house but there are so many things that I can do now. I go to three different yoga studios. I can pop to the store, the post office to where ever to accomplish little things that used to cause me weeks of anxiety. I can pick up my husband at work if I feel like it, which is tiny but is going a long way in resetting the balance in our relationship. And tonight I am going to my first ever tap dance class (I plan on being Gregory Hines by the end of eight weeks.)

I also feel like writing here. Not because I have anything grand to say or process. Because I feel like it. And I have learned that I don’t have to do it everyday. I can do it whenever I want. When, what and how I write are of no relevance. What matters is that I like it and therefor I will do it.

I am feeling pretty at peace with myself right now. And for once I am not just hoping it lasts, I feel like I have some control over whether or not it lasts.