Here in 2017

I wonder if my roller coaster emotions are transparent in my writing. These days I am absolutely feeling. Up and down. Round and round. Certainly there are enough circumstances swaying the pendulum these days, but I’ve always cycled.

I have a message in to my midwife to discuss things. I know I’ve been waffling for months, but I think I do want to try increasing my zoloft (currently 100mg) for the time being. My anxiety is sky high. I debated earlier this year because I didnt want the medication to mask my feelings and thus prolong my grief. But we are 4 months out now and two more big things are stewing in addition. I feel like I need some kind of relief from the intensities. Whether thats a med increase or maybe an additional one…I kind of hope for the former only because we dont need any types of opiates in the house right now while my husband is recovering. So.

Ideally I need to schedule an appointment with a general practitioner (dont have one), so I can get a referral to a psych. However, all of that is in limbo until my bills get sorted from Ivy’s birth. Yep. Still dealing with that. I should be able to change my HMO group and not have any issues with the past bills (which should be going to my current ins)....but so far they arent getting it right and I dont want an insurance change to complicate this even more than it already is.

So for now Im hoping my midwife can help me with my zoloft and albuterol, even though its totally not the meds a midwife routinely manages.

My life, guys.

My mom’s obgyn says BRCA testing isn’t appropriate because she is the first in her family with the disease. My brain seems to think that I should be tested, although I think the recommendation is only if you have 3 direct relatives with breast cancer. So for now we hang in limbo, waiting for more.