Money, meeting, work. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ugh, I’m really sick of worrying about money. I had a conversation with a co-worker yesterday and he told me he doesn’t even know why he still works there. I let him know that I’m going to be applying for other jobs while I’m on maternity leave because we haven’t made shit in months now and I really don’t see it ever getting better. I have a child to worry about and I refuse to keep spinning wheels worrying about my small ass paychecks and I’m really sick of struggling to not only pay bills, but keep food in the house and buy toiletries. This shit is seriously getting old.

Like we got paid today but I had to send my rent check. The car insurance comes out in a few days and I still have to pay my cable bill, credit card and there’s nothing left for my dental insurance or student loans so that stuff has to wait until next week. I also have to pay the rest of my fucking light bill as well. I’m just sick of not being able to pay everything all at once and then I look in my account thinking I have more money than I do but then I realize there’s still a bill or two needing to get paid. Ugh, it’s just so frustrating.

I had a meeting with a lady at a local agency yesterday and basically, if I were to go back to school they would give a stipend to cover my bills. I don’t really remember everything she said but it sounds like I would not have to work or work a lot for awhile. I want to go back to school, get a degree and make a decent wage for the sake of me and my child. She also said she’d be able to come with me to my ultrasound appointments and even be there when the baby is born. She also said she can get me signed up for their diaper bank where you get 80 diapers a month. It’s not a lot but every little bit helps. She was very nice, very understanding and I have a good feeling about this situation.

My other bestie that I haven’t talked to in a while messaged me over Facebook and we talked some tonight. I guess BD messaged her and basically she said that him and my other friend need to stop feeding off each other and for him to quit talking to her because it’s just making shit worse. She really wants me to give him the chance to be a Dad and I told her I’m willing to because it’s not right to shut the door on it long before the baby comes. I just want him to get help and be consistent. She doesn’t feed into anything he says and has done a really good job at staying out of it, per the screenshots she sent. I’m really glad that even though we haven’t spoke in a while, she didn’t decide to make things worse for my situation.

I have told my other friend numerous times to block him as I need the drama to stop but she won’t simply because she loves to argue and she’s able to make him feel like a piece of shit. She hasn’t done anything to help the situation either and I’m going to stay open minded and be as fair as I can for the sake of my child. I want to be able to say that I tried. Sometimes I wonder if my friend wants to help influence me to keep him away because the father of her child wasn’t around or because my BD has pissed her off so much.

All I know is I really don’t want to be a single Mom if it’s avoidable. If he’s getting help and wants to be a part of her life, I will more than likely let him because he is her Dad and I would like some help. I know this has been a very ugly situation and a really long, hard road but I really hope good comes from this. I want my daughter to have her Dad and I just don’t want to be that asshole baby mama that prevents him because he’s upset/hurt me or because of the conversations between him and my friend as that’s their shit, not him and I talking directly. I get that him talking to her is either because he does care and doesn’t show it the right way or he’s just so fixed on the bullshit that he doesn’t know how to just let it go.

I fell at work yesterday. I hadn’t been there for more than 15 minutes and was trying to walk in a narrow walkway where some genius left brooms and such. I fell down on my left ankle and ended up cutting my arm on something so I was fucking bleeding and skinned the shit out of my elbow. A manager got me some bandaids and asked if I wanted to go home and I said no because we don’t get paid enough to take the night off. My pelvis was finally where it wasn’t killing me to walk and now that I fell, it hurts just as bad as it did last week.

It was super hot today and then it rained and got humid. I was in a crabby ass mood when I got to work because I was uncomfortably hot and people were pissing me off. I was glad I had a short shift. I got some stuff from the store when I got off such as kitty litter, shampoo, hair gel, and a couple other things. I’m hoping to make some decent money tomorrow night so I can buy groceries. I’m seriously getting sick of never being able to keep food in my house because money is so damn tight.

Anyways, I take my cat to get fixed next Saturday. I’m very excited about it because then once the babies are weaned, she can start going outside and I don’t have to worry about her getting pregnant again. It’s also really good for them to get fixed because they can have complications if they don’t. I’m still working on finding homes for the babies. I had a co-worker come over the other day to look at them and he told me tonight that instead of 2, they may only take 1. Like said if they take any, it’s only going to be 1 so I’m not really sure about it anymore. They are almost a month old and I can’t keep them so I will probably just post them online and see about rehoming them that way and go from there.

I’m gonna lay down now. Goodnight.