Denny's - Restaurant of Turds - A Rant in General Mental Anesthesia

Please use this quasi-long-winded rant as a educational tool. Expect nothing of substance, but pay close attention because it’s all very important!

In college, when you’re with your friends, and it’s 2:30am, and you have a craving for under-cooked, undesirable food and lousy service, where else do you go, but to Denny’s.

Hello, my name is Spiketalagon Death-Hammer III & I go to Denny’s. There, I said it.

Ok, so I’m guilty, but I should mention that I rarely go now, this is more a summation of my years in college and when I was in a band and often went there covered in fake blood, sweat, slime and what not (we were well known for our exceptional stage show) you know, the good ol’ days. Unfortunately these pics were sent to me from a fan many years ago, you can’t see what’s really on stage, all the props etc… you can see our cage however, we had a guy dressed as an alien-like creature hanging upside-down in there to start the show, we wrapped the cage in syran wrap, filled it with fog, then a couple songs into the show, he’d get himself down, tear open the wrap and the fog would ooze out onto the stage, it was a cool effect.

I should also mention, that although heavy metal, none of us did drugs or caused trouble or were rude to the staff when we’d go after shows. In fact, I was a cook and waiter at a Denny’s as one of my first jobs and I know how much it sucks, so I was always very respectful. Plus, despite how we looked; half the patrons there looked and acted far, far worse! lol.

Still with me? Good, because like I said: this is an educational post for the betterment of mankind!

Going to Denny’s is like riding the bus, you never know what might walk through the door and sit next to you. The only time I go, is when every other restaurant is closed. (Stay away from the chunky style water). So I get my coffee, which comes in it’s own unique, chipped, lipstick smudged mug, along with dirty silverware, and complimentary sticky spots wherever your hands lay on the table.

Chances are, you’ll need to ask for additional napkins, since the one you first receive has been used to squash the ants patrolling the windowsill behind you.

Generally, It takes several minutes to be recognized by a waiter/waitress. He/she may or may not get your drinks to you in a reasonable time, depends on the location I suppose. The last time I went to Denny’s was with my friend Habib, and it took over an hour for us to get our drinks. When the food eventually arrived, we received no plates. Habib ended up going behind one of the counters to get us some plates because no one ever came to check on us.
The only reason we stayed was to make fun of everyone and play table top games that one can only play at a low class establishment such as this.

The food is rarely served hot, the salads, never cold. I generally just get the chicken strips side dish if I eat there at all. A burger if I’m horny, but one has nothing to do with the other (unless there’s a pineapple slice on it, but I digress). The sampler is one of the more popular dishes served - usually contains - 2 burnt chicken strips, 3/4 mozzarella sticks & a few chewy onion rings. Coffee & soda are unlimited refills, but you’ll be lucky to get one refill before you either walk out in disgust or forgotten about all together.

If you are wanting a desert, you must apply the three strike rule. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT:

1. You are almost certainly guaranteed they will not have your first choice available, (especially pies) so have a second ready with a rapier wit.

2. The magic 8 ball says… Outlook not good as far as them having any flavor ice cream in stock other than vanilla which they are also out of.

3. This third choice must be something very plain. a scoop of whatever they can find. of course, it’s your choice if you decide to eat it.

Denny’s is a pretty disgusting place with a staff often populated by government clones gone awry. I used to be one of them. (No offense to anyone working for the chain, I understand you may be in need of new cutlery.) As you can see, I don’t recommend Denny’s, not for anything but a laugh, which is why I go. For less than the price of a comedy club, you can go to Denny’s, and remember: PATIENCE IS VIRTUE.

Good luck.

Last updated June 03, 2017