The Thing About AA in over whelmed...?

Hi! I’m still sober! I love it. I am very grateful to be feeling the way I am right now. I drive, everyday. I even sort of like it. In fact some days I love it. I go to yoga, I meditate, I went to a rock climbing gym and loved it. I feel physically and mentally stable. I have learned an immense amount in therapy and am learning skills for dealing with humans and emotions. I even feel human.

I do however have developed a slight hatred of AA. I do not feel like I am going to relapse or like I am looking for excuses to relapse or any of the malarky that AA would say that this feeling is. I truly believe in so much of AA has to offer. I love the sense of community, the support, the role it played in making me feel less isolated, less judged and I fucking love the coins. Really, I love the coins, I love being acknowledge for maintaining my sobriety because it is actually very difficult and takes a metric shit ton of work but I really can not stand all the God talk.

It is the God talk and this sense of having all the answers that I just can’t get behind. And the arrogance of the idea that if you don’t do it their way that you are doomed to fail. The whole thing just sort of rubs me the wrong way. I get it, I am an alcoholic. I get that I will never drink like normal people. I get that I can never drink again and I also get why. I understand that the things that are actually adding real value to my life are only possible for me by not drinking and yes I miss much of what drinking entailed but not enough to go back to it. I feel like my drinking used to be a large part of my identity and frankly I do not want my sobriety to be the thing that identifies me now. And frankly it is the sense of being disingenuous that led to much of my feeling of isolation that led to much of my drinking so sitting in a meeting and not believing in this higher power that everybody is so willingly handing their control over to is just making me feel more disingenuous.

I am not looking for and easier, softer way. I am just looking for a less godly way.