Bail-ey in 2017

Yesterday I bailed out of making an appearance at my cousin’s softball game. We had family in from out of state that I havent seen since last fall. But yesterday was a ‘just cant’ kind of day. In some moments I feel like Im managing okay and then in others I’m drowning. This too shall pass....for now Im trying to learn to not feel so guilty when I need to opt out of things.

Saturday’s addiction programming is for the family as well, so we are trying to secure an early morning babysitter so that I can attend. Im hopeful that these meetings will help me sort through my thoughts. Because the logical part of my brain can be loving and rational, but then panic sets in and I am having melt downs. Anxiety attacks are frequent now, and though I can usually do what I need to reel them in, I would still rather not have them at all. I think a lot of it stems from lack of control and fear for the future. But though easily identifiable, I dont see an easy fix. I find myself wary of the medication he’s on to slowly detox (dont want that to turn into an addiction or gateway). Trusting (in general) is hard right now. A lot of things I trusted in (a healthy baby, honesty from my husband) without fail have crumbled.

I’ll be okay....but it will be messy getting there.

Matt agrees that I would benefit from some stress relief/better coping. I just dont see it easing anytime soon. House still needs cared for, as do kids. Making a hole in the wall and closing myself in for a few days just isnt an option, though its so desperately appealing. We are going to a water park hotel for a few days toward the end of this month....just need to get there.

My miniature freak outs for sure cant be good for my husband during this time....Im just overwhelmed. He’s doing a lot of inner work at his program, so when he comes home hes understandably drained. I’ve been pretty much solo managing the house/kids since he went inpatient on the 22nd. Im wishing for help he probably realistically cant give much of at this point. He’s trying. Im trying. Its just a crazy mess when we both are so fractured at the same time.