Hobblety Goo (aka mind garbage) in 2017

Today is Fiona’s last day in kindergarten. Woo-hoo, we survived the last day of dragging her out of bed! Onward to a fun (and sometimes lazy) summer! Although you know murphy’s law will have her waking up early - on her own accord - starting tomorrow. We have memberships to the arboretum and zoo, so I foresee quite a bit of that in our future.

If Im being honest, my mind keeps almost going to that place. The place where life took a different path. I don’t know enough about string theory to even talk about it, but its concepts intrigue me. Ivy’s energy is not gone. I know that much to be true. In quieter times Ive felt her presence, though with so much going on right now, I havent had time to pay attention to that lately. I’ve been thinking about that alternate life sometimes. Maybe talking about it helps to move through it. Maybe I need to let myself imagine that other life. Life with a wriggly yummy baby at my breast. She would be 4 months old now. In my mind she looks so much like Fiona, just lighter features. I’ll forever wonder if she would have been my blue eyed baby (Fi and O are brown like daddy) I prayed and hoped she wouldnt have food allergies like Orion in the beginning. In my minds eye she was that perfectly attached third baby. Slung to my chest as her siblings and I kept about our daily activities.

Between journaling and my therapy appointment yesterday, Ive managed to merge my worlds. Just talking about Ivy taking back burner to my husband’s addiction has brought her back forefront. Last week, my mind actually wondered if my living children would be better off in a different family. Obviously Im not giving them up or anything crazy like that....but so far 2017 has been a year of wishing they had more. First swimming in Ivy grief....and now trying to manage a household while working through my husband’s addiction. I am not the mom I hoped I would be. Im just hoping and praying that somewhere in the nearer future we are in a better place. With my luck, this will happen just in time for the first anniversary of her birth to knock the wind out of me.