I’m really not sure…
Like I’m wasting time…
Like I’m never going to find anyone I actually see a future with…
Like hopeless and miserable and just worthless…
I took today off because I needed a 4 day weekend. The dogs/pigs woke me up at 7 to go out and have breakfast. I crawled back into bed, but never got back to sleep. Instead I laid here and watched Because I Said So. And the more I watched, the more I realized that I’m wasting my time. I want someone that I can just be myself around. And I don’t want a doormat. And I don’t want to fake enthusiasm in bed or any other aspect. I want a guy who’s interested in me, even the stupid parts, who loves my animals as much as I do and doesn’t think I’m crazy for it, who has opinions and will make decisions and not change them or apologize for them just because I may disagree and especially not cry because they’re afraid they pissed me off. I want a guy who wants and is willing to take the time to explore every inch of me, with his mind, eyes, fingers, and lips. And be interested in morning cuddles at least some days. He’ll, I want a guy who wants to see me more than once a week and makes time for that because in his world seeing me is a priority and not an option. I want a guy who wants children and is willing to travel that road with me no matter how difficult.
In other news, as usual, I was doing good. I was backing away. I was missing him, but I was dealing. But per usual, then a serious talk, opening up, and I’m pulled back in. Hands like an ocean, push you out, pull you back in. It’s an awful cycle. It’s a love/hate relationship. I hate that I love it. And watching ridiculous love stories where things implode and then somehow all the pieces get put back together again is not helpful.
I need more sleep.
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