Spinning My Wheels in My Fucking Feelings

I’m trying so hard to make something of my writing career. I’m failing so hard too. I meed to pick a project and stick to it so I can move forward instead of bouncing around like a mental pinball like I always do.

Still haven’t gotten my house clean, or college enrollment figured out, or worked on my book, or finished my paintings, or any of the things I’ve started. My thoughts keep circling back to you. I still can’t find my old rosary and it’s making me upset. I really liked that cross. Maybe you took it for your collection somehow… If so, please give it back? I’ll give you something else… What would you want? How about a vial of tears. What would you give for that? I bet alot.

I need to make progress somewhere. I’m struggling. Need to get a job and pay rent. It doesn’t look like I’ll be able to without a job. I need a system to make this work. One I can stick too. I meed my desk cleared off amd my room cleaned and a real fucking keyboard to work with.

Going to get glasses tomorrow and maybe contacts too. That means sacrificing other things. Gotta figure out how to pay car insurance and defer my student loans. Still need to make a doctor’s appointment. I hate phone calls. I hate them so much.

I have a feeling that seeing you and talking to you would help clear my mind so much. I wish I had that right. To just ask to see you. Just strike up a conversation. It seems unfair that I don’t. If only you knew what I saw when I look at you now.

I get so afraid I’ll be alone forever. Maybe you are him. Maybe you are the only one. The one I dreamed up. The one I’ve been looking for. Maybe you were right… But now you are choosing someone else. God has a plan. He loves me. Things will work out in the end. I just need to be patient and at peace but my brain doesn’t like that idea.