May 23rd to 25th Eating in 2017

The night of May 23rd, I found myself starving. I was hungrier than I could remember having been in ages. More than that, I felt that odd compulsion to eat. I can’t even explain it. It was a need to eat completely devoid of hunger. I tried to cut deals, to talk myself out of things, to limit the damage, but I wasn’t capable. I devoured food with a hideously beautiful feeling of self loathing, relishing in the physical sensation of it as well as a sense of indulgent SIN that I haven’t known in ages. I can only compare it to those nights in high school where I’d break my various resolutions and indulge in another form of sensual enjoyment quite at odds with my alleged morality. It was nearly beautiful in how spectacularly grotesque it was. I felt sick after eating, I felt sick all the next day, but by the next night, I was hungry.
I went to bed last night having eaten responsibly, but the need was too much. I found a leftover container of chocolate covered Oreos that I’d brought as souvenirs but who hadn’t been given to anybody. I consumed more calories in ten minutes than I had the entire day prior. And I still could have eaten more. It was shameful, wasteful, disgusting, and unsatisfying, but I could not imagine having the strength to overcome such an urge again. It was not something that I aim to repeat. The flimsiest pretext I could find to justify my gorging is that now, there is no more food in my house. Maybe that will be my saving grace. I have eaten all of the temptations, and the shame of buying out may keep me in line.
Beyond that, the 24th was quite dull. A boring day with Tateishi, four classes taught. Nothing of interest. I loathe the 3rd years, but the 2nd years were amazing. They hadn’t been as good lately, and I was concerned, but, everything is back to normal, it seems. I went to the pool after class, and I got my fifteen minutes in, plus I swam three laps. I ended up bumping into the Miyachu swim team, which was fun. I wish that I were doing more work in the pool when they saw me, but that’s some time away. I also contacted Eric about exercise, which is/was good.

The start of the rainy season means the start of migraines. I wanted to record here some of the things that I’ve noticed in my migraine research:

It seems that a complete lack of hunger followed by extreme and ravenous hunger is a normal side effect. It would explain why I barely want to touch food until night time at which point I could die for hunger. Well, I know this now, and hopefully I can talk myself out of it in the future.
It seems that my odd moods immediately prior to a migraine are pretty normal. It’s sad to think that some of the most interesting thoughts and ideas that I have spiral around in an air pressure contaminated mind. It’s another thing that makes me hesitant to medicate, but, that’s still the route that I’ll have to take. It does appear to make a lot of sense, from the look of things. I do tend to get weird migraine moods.
I have a, frankly, bizarre increase in physical sensitivity during and before migraines. Breezes feel amazing. Fleeting physical contact strikes me with an impact that hasn’t seemed normal since I was much younger. Even the flies that are buzzing around insanely, whenever they get caught in my arm hair, I get chills, and it seems almost a shame to kill them. Every brief fleeting physical sensation feels like gentle nails stroking down my neck and back. I also have the odd desire for physical contact. Just, to be holding onto someone or something. My body pillow felt AMAZING last night, and there’s no reason I can find but the migraines.

Not much to report beyond that. Feel kinda lousy, ate enough calories in two days to undo weeks of work. Now know that I’m going to have to fight off even more food issues as migraines get worse in the new weather. All of the websites dealing with migraines advise, “Stay inside and turn on the AC,” and offer nothing of assistance for people without access to AC.

Tomorrow, I need to talk to the BOE about when my July/August break begins. I also need to see if I can use up some more sick leave to take more time off when otherwise I’d just be sitting at the BOE. It’d be useful to get back to the chiropractor. However, even if this doesn’t/can’t/won’t happen, I can still low carb for a month and a half, which will be good. Regardless of whether or not I’m getting reimbursed, I think that I’m going to ask the BOE if I can stay at home during the summer vacation and work on getting an ESL certification. A lot of the courses are 150 hours. If I do six hours a day for five days a week, that’s 30 hours a week. The length of the course, though, will partly depend on the nature of it. Anything that involves reading I’ll do a LOT faster, but if it’s videos . . . blargh. I find that I like watching YouTube videos at 1.5X speed because then I’m not bored. I have a bad habit of finishing people’s sentences in my mind if they’re too slow, and the slower they are, the more things I think of for them to say.

Well, talked to June a bit, which was nice, and ate a small lunch. I’ve got to pick up booze tonight for the testing, and we’ll see how that goes. Goodnight.