Trying not to do anything, but I'm doing everything. in The grotesque metamorphosis of a Bi-Polar human into a Tri-polar monster.

I am trying to quit smoking cigarettes again.
I actually made it three days last week and on the third night I had a beer or two and caved in. I bought a pack that cost $10.75 at the god damn grocery store and it was such a terrible decision that after I was done with the pack I bought another pack for $7 something at the gas station and then another pack for the same price at that same gas station because once you start to make a powerfully stupid decision it’s best to kind of just lean into the curve and give in to the process.

I have one more cigarette sitting in that big empty pack out in my car.
One more stupid cigarette just chilling there.
I’m going to smoke it today and then I’m going to be like, “That’s it! That’s the last cigarette that I’m ever going to have for the rest of my life!”

I’m going to mean it, too.

Who knows if that will really be the last cigarette of my life or not? I don’t really have a plan. It’s like that line when the Joker says, “Do I look like a guy with a plan?” I laughed so hard when I first saw that scene, and it’s the only line I can even quote because it just hit me like a ton of bricks.

I’m just out here spinning…flapping in the wind…just kind of alive.

I don’t really care if smoking kills me, I’d kill myself before any of the really nasty stuff began to take hold of me, and I would get a nice cache of drugs to make the going a little easier.
I’ve been a smoker (with occasional breaks of varied lengths from 3 months to 10 months) for coming on 20 years now. It’s a big part of who I am at this point, and I thoroughly enjoy the act of it. In fact, as I write this sentence right now I know that I am about to wrap this entry up so that I can go entertain my last cigarette.

I think I have a pretty solid plan though, I’m just not going to drink for at least a week until I’m settled into the no smoking thing because, as one of my co-workers recently said, “Some things just go together, like peanut butter and chocolate.”

Well said, Jacob…well said.

• Dane