Sad in My Fucking Feelings

Went to my besties baby shower today. I was sad and jealous almost the entire time, but hopefully I managed to be personable. I didn’t cry anyway. Suddenly I came to the realization that I’m not even comfortable talking to close friends about things I talk about to people I barely know. I guess it’s because I actually care what they think.

Nobody really understands me. I feel alone surrounded by people. The more people are around me, the less comfortable I am. I have no idea how to make new friends. Social convention is a mystery to me. I keep trying though. I show up places and try to be nice. I try to force myself to talk. I guess I’m just looking for that one person who will understand me. I’m not sure such a thing exists.

Sometimes it feels like my soul is trapped in a box.

I’m just really sad lately. I want company, but when I have it I feel drained. I’m obligated to be happy around people and to entertain them and to behave appropriatly. It’s exhausting. Wishing you were here so I could cry at you without making you feel bad or anyone else thinking I’m strange. Miss you old friend. Still writing to you even though I know you aren’t reading this.