Lonely in My Fucking Feelings

Feeling very sad and lonely lately… Again. It’s like there’s a feeling of being disconnected from the world. Even while I’m surrounded by friends I feel alone. I feel different. I feel like there aren’t many people who woulf understand me. Maybe there isn’t anyone who would. I’m pretty crazy after all.

I finally found a friend to cuddle with, but I guess he wanted to do more than cuddle. It was so great to hug and hold hands and stuff, but I made the mistake of inviting him to stay the night. I guess he misunderstood the invitation. We didn’t go all the way, but I know I let him cross a line. I feel guilty. And frustrated. It is so hard to say no. So here I am feeling alone. I had that one day of happiness feeling as if I’d found something new that might potentially go somewhere good and then it came crashing down and I’m alone again. I need all the cuddles in the world right now. And maybe a good cry too. It’s silly but I kind of wish my old friend Jake were here to make me cry and then comfort me. What a silly notion.

I try to point out to myself all of the good things about not being in a relationship, but at the end of the day I’m just lonely. I’m depressed. I’m not really enjoying life right now, I’m just skating through. All I want is to sleep and sleep. It’s a struggle to get anything done at all. There are so many things I need to do, and even when I’ve actually made progress in a day it isn’t enough.

My son’s dad hasn’t called again since the one day. I was hoping it’d be more regular like he said, but it doesn’t look like he’s up to being a dad still. How unfair. He never wants to go to daycare anymore. When I drop him off he always endlessly insists om hugs so I won’t go. I know the new teacher has alot to do with it. I need to actually do more things with him but he’s 3 and full of energy and it’s just too much for me sometimes. I wish he had a full time daddy here to help. I have little hope right now that I’ll ever be able to make that happen for him. :( Hopefully someday we will have our big happy family.

I guess that’s all of my fucking feelings for now.