Glad it's almost bedtime. in Since OD is shutting down....

I got super dizzy earlier so I laid down and took a nap. The feeling was still kinda there when I woke up so I checked and my blood sugar was 69 so I ate. I didn’t think it was that low but definitely a worry. I remembered I hadn’t eaten much today so I know that contributed to it. It’s now a bit high because I ate some cereal so I’m drinking water to get it back down.

I woke up feeling super lonely and anxious so I started messaging people on Facebook. My one friend that just had a baby a couple of months ago said she’d been trying to get ahold of me for awhile to have me come over and I made sure my other friend was going to come with me to my ultrasound tomorrow. She’s been pretty excited about being involved since she was here Saturday night and I’m glad to have even one friend that is so supportive and is able to be there for me, even if she only comes to one ultrasound.

BD finally messaged my friend back stating how she needed to leave him alone and he won’t be at the birth because of the RO. It doesn’t bother me because he’s made sure to use it as an excuse this whole time because he doesn’t really give a fuck. I can’t even cry about this shit anymore because I’m so used to it. He’s hid behind the RO this whole time and I don’t expect anything less. I think he does it out of spite more than he’s worried about violating it. It definitely hurts that the people who should care the most care the least but it’s also made me go out of my comfort zone to find support elsewhere.

I’m hoping that I can try and have a bit more of a social life outside of my fucking job before I lose my mind. I’m seriously sick of dreading days off because I have no one to hang out with or even text and it’s really starting to get to me. I just feel so damn invisible and I start to wonder if I’m even alive anymore. I haven’t talked to my Mom in 3 weeks now and that is upsetting because how can a Mom go that long without talking to her pregnant daughter knowing I’m all by myself with no fucking help at all?! I get that she has a job but there’s no reason why she can’t make at least SOME FUCKING EFFORT!

Even when I get to my loneliest point, I never consider reaching out to my family because I’m sick of begging and pleading for them to be involved in my life and they tend to make really rude/snarky comments that just piss me off and remind me why it’s easier for me to stay away. I don’t want to have people around that just have negative/critical shit to say because it makes me sad and angry when this has already been hard enough. I don’t get any credit for how much I’ve done by myself and that’s what angers me.

Most of the time I am pretty okay with my situation because I remember I’m not the only woman to ever go through this by herself and I won’t be the last but it’s hard to not be angry. It’s just crazy how someone can help you make a baby but they don’t have to take any responsibility but you do. I don’t think he realizes how serious this is. We are going to have a baby, not a puppy. A child is a life long commitment and he’s going to be held responsible one way or another even if it’s just CS. I don’t think he understands what he’s left me with or why I’m probably never going to drop the RO. I’m just so frustrated with his actions and how selfish/mean he’s been throughout the past almost 7 months.

He hasn’t asked how I’m doing, how the baby’s doing, if I have a support system or what he could do to help. All he does is argue and say mean/heartless things and then wonders why everything is such a mess. The longer I go without seeing him, the less likely I’m going to ever want him around because I’ve already done everything on my own. I’ve bought almost everything, organized the baby room, and gotten rid of furniture all without his help and I don’t see that ever changing.

I plan to start reaching out to people for social outlet outside of my job. I’m just really sick of sitting here by myself all day, go to work and then all I do is come home, sit down in my livingroom, eat food, watch some TV, and then go to bed. It’s the same thing day after day, week after week so I am really hoping it will change and people can start being consistent with me. This is the time I could really use a good friend or even two!!! It’s frustrating to feel like everyone just wants me to go through all of this by myself like my own family because they are terrified of giving a fuck about anyone but themselves!!!

It all just pisses me off because I’ve always ran to their rescue every fucking time they’ve needed something. Whether it’s letting them stay at my house, storing their furniture, helping with money and bills, or making sure they have what they needed I’ve always been there and now, where the fuck are they?! They fucking hide like I’m the bad one!!! I just wish I knew what the fuck I’ve done to deserve such selfish people!!

Anyways, I’m gonna just relax and enjoy my evening. I have another ultrasound in the morning.