Work. in Since OD is shutting down....

Tonight was decent. I didn’t make much and left an hour early because it was so fucking dead. I hate Tuesday and Wednesday nights. I like it because it’s not super hard, but I hate not making real money either. Now that I’m pregnant, I like that we aren’t massively busy most of the time but I just miss making the money that I used to. I don’t know if I’m just burnt out because I’ve been there for almost 4 years with no real break or because I’m pregnant and it’s slowed me down but I can tell that I’m losing my zest for the job.

I plan on applying for other jobs while I’m on maternity leave and may not go back there when I’m at my 6 weeks. I know that I definitely want to be out of there before winter hits again because if I’m still there in November, I’m going to feel like a complete failure. I want to be able to provide a good life for my daughter and myself and it’s just not going to happen where I’m at now. I have really good credit and would be able to buy a house provided I made a good living. I just don’t want to feel stuck where I’m at and I plan to make some serious changes. I know that I would like to go back at least for awhile after maternity leave just because I don’t want so many changes all at once but there’s so many better jobs out here and I owe it to myself and my kid to find them.

I didn’t do much before work today. I took a short nap, showered and just hung out until I had to go. Tomorrow I get to sleep in because my friend is taking the day off so I won’t have her calling in the morning so I’m just going to sleep until my little heart is content and then I don’t have anything going on until I work later in the afternoon. I definitely wish I had people to hang out with but I’d rather be lonely than be around a bunch of fucking assholes too.

My friend called tonight while I was at work and I told her that I don’t care about her having any more contact with my BD until the baby’s born and DSS reaches him to establish paternity. I just need to completely shut the door on him and his drama because now that I’m in my 3rd trimester, I don’t need an extra stress as it can put me into premature labor. He still just wants to argue and fight. I seriously don’t know what the fuck is wrong with this guy but I’m not going to be able to handle this shit for the rest of my life, along with raising a child by myself.

I still don’t think he’s completely understanding that there’s a child on the way that we will both be responsible for. I think he just uses it as a reason to try and be in control of someone and have conflict and drama because that’s all he’s ever known. I’m very angry about him implying that all I want is money because he doesn’t think he should have to help purchase anything for the baby and how he wants me to make it clear to his Mom that the child I’m carrying is actually his. I don’t owe ANYONE a fucking explanation and this is why I’m wanting a paternity test. I’ve been made out to be a complete hoe for months now and I just hate him for that.

The kittens are doing good. I so far have 2 that will be going to the same home and I’m really happy about it because I work with the guy that’s going to take him and he’s one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I told him I don’t want any money for them, just the promise to get them fixed/shots and if it doesn’t work out to bring them back as I don’t want them abandoned. I plan to call the vet and find out when I’m able to get the Mom fixed as I definitely don’t want to worry about any more babies forthcoming. Again, I was told the Mom was a fixed male and obviously that wasn’t accurate. It’s still hard for me to accept that she’s actually a she because this cat has the personality of a male cat.

It’s going to be very hard to give them away because I get attached to animals quickly and I worry about them not being taken care of but I will do my best to make sure they get good homes. I wish I could keep them all but I already have 3 of my own and a baby coming. I’ve already been questioned about what I’m going to do if my child is allergic and I’m not entirely sure as I’m not going to take them to the pound or just abandon them and everyone says it’s better to expose your kids to animals young and then they build up a tolerance. So, hopefully she won’t be allergic or I’ll just have to keep the cats as far from her as possible.

Being pregnant has made me learn so much about myself and I honestly wish it was stuff that I would have been made aware of a long time ago. I now understand that I grew up emotionally neglected and never feeling loved and that’s why I cling to the wrong people. I don’t think I’m at all co-dependent but I tend to see good in people when there isn’t any. I’ve also realized that I’ve allowed people to run all over me but I’m a lot better at realizing it a lot sooner than before and shutting it down before it goes too far.

I’m really grateful for my friend that has stuck by me all this time and has really helped me stay strong and not give in to things or people too quickly anymore. She’s been a very big help and making me see the truth with my BD and I’m grateful that she’s tried so hard to get through to him but has failed, just like I have. I can’t wait around for him to pull his head out of his ass and do what he should but I’m open to him having a chance provided he gets the help he needs. I don’t want to daughter growing up without a father but I do think he’s way too selfish and immature to be responsible for another human life.

I really wish I would have picked a better Dad for my little girl but I just have to accept that I made a mistake with this guy but hopefully we will be able to reach a good place and be able to co-parent for her sake. I just have a lot of concerns because he’s a really mean, crazy person that makes me feel like if everything isn’t the way he’s going to want it than he’s not going to help raise her and make my life a living hell. It’s really hard to even want to see his face again after him leaving when I was 6 weeks pregnant, threatening to kill me, sending my friend a sex tape and yet has continued to create trouble.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down because my pelvis hurts but I’ll write more tomorrow.