I have no words... in Side Effects

The past 2 months have been the longest of my life. My mom and I did everything together. We went grocery shopping together, and I was with her practically every day. Every morning she’d take a walk with my father and they’d wait for us at Hilda’s preschool to give her a kiss and send her off to school. Some afternoons we’d eat at her house for lunch. We were always doing something.

And of all of a sudden, it just stopped. Evrey time I went to the groery store to buy her meds or food, I realized, how lonely I was. Every time I drop Hilda off and she’s not there, I realize, that she just might never send her off again.

Two weeks ago we met a nice oncologist, Ismael, who looked over all her lab results and just couldn’t see cancer. Endoscopy, colonoscopy, all kinds of testing. Nothing. He assured me it was good news. Nice, young, real handsome doctor. Such a patient voice, so clean cut. For a few days I thought I was in love with him but I understand I was clinging to him expecting him to be our savior. He finally made the decision to cut her open and physically see what was inside on Friday. My mom in a matter of weeks lost so much weight. So lively and colorful, she was now pale and ashy. Saturday morning he called me out of her room and put his arm around me, while he showed me pictures on his cell phone, pictures of my mother’s insides. A hidden tumor under her belly, and blister like lascerations on the outside of her intestine. Whatever it was, he said, it was advanced. He held my hand and I told him how warm he felt, so nice and warm, compared to mom’s extremities. He smiled so kindly behind his glasses and told me to stay by my mom.

The biopsy results were ready yesterday and my father picked them up while I stayed with mom and cleaned her wounds, and emptied out the baggy on her side that is draining liquid. For almost 2 weeks I’d stopped crying. I was sure they would find some form of parisitosis that could be cured. But I was wrong. Everything came back malignant. I sent him a text with the image and waited until he answered. I could tell when the message was read, and yet he wouldn’t answer be back. I felt like a jealous girlfriend, I wanted to demand him to answer me. I stared at the results and googled a term or two, but I am not a medical person. give me numbers. Give me exact answers.

My father and I stepped out for a few and went to pick up Hilda and meanwhile we talked about it. He told me to accept it, but I couldn’t. I breastfed Hilda on the couch, never letting go of the phone. As soon as he called I answered on the first ring. His patient, soothing voice. He was transferring me to another doctor that would start chemo on mom. He himself would see us on Saturday to look at mom’s sutures. He was “breaking up” with me so fast. If he mentioned chemo, than he was confirming cancer. I asked him, how long we had if mom didn’t go through chemo.

2 to 4 months. He said it was our decision. But he told me mom was a good candidate, and that he could see that I took excellent care of her, that he knew I’d help her through chemo. He told me to call him if I needed anything. But I need my mom.

The hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was yesterday,. I stroked her face, told her how much I loved her. Her and my father were both laying in bed. Having to tell my mother that she only had a few months to live pained me so much. She has been so strong all my life, she has done so much for me, for my daughters, espeically Chelsea. She is a pilar in this whole family and it isn¿t even HER FAMILY, it’s my father’s family. She is a pilar in the community, she has HELPED so many people. WHy she has to suffer so much hurts me. I wish I could do more. I wish I would have seen the signs. I wish I coudl take care of her as much as she took care of me and my daughters. My God, I feel like I failed her so much, and time is running out and I’m not the person I wanted to be and she’ll die seeing me a failure.

My father didnt’ live with us when I was a kid. It was just me, my mom and Svetlana. And when Svetlana went off to college, it was just me and my mom. Looking back, thoes were such beautiful times. It has been 10 years since Svetlana died, and I’m still not over it. ANd without my mom, I just can’t imagine it. I can’t. Everyone tell me to be strong. As if it were so easy.

I stayed with her all afternoon, small talk. Holding her hand. The girls running around like brats. Chelsea wacthinc her current favorite Disney series with mom in bed. She was so hungry it hurt. She wanted pizza but Adrian wasn’thome. Chelsea prepared a chicken sandwich. ADrian was out getting a hair cut and picked up pizzas about an hour later. We all had pizza in bed with mom. Mom, dad, Adrian, myself and the girls.

She is so strong. How has she always managed to be so strong and beautiful even when going through this? I just couldn’t leave her. I cried in the car and Adrian keeps telling me to be strong, to be positive, that there is still hope.

It is so hard to breathe, I’m choking on my memories, they keep flashing around like circles in my mind, her smile as she walked out of the train station every afternoon and she’d see me and Svetlana waiting for her. After a long day’s work shd still managed to come home with that characteristic smile of hers.

Whatever anyone says, this isn’t natural. Mom’s shouldn’t die. I propose mom’s never die. That would be evolution, don’t you think?